I’m moving back in with my parents, and that’s a good thing

house

I’m writing this because I’m resigned to the fact that I won’t find a new roommate by the end of the month.

While this apartment was a good deal for about a year and a half, a rent increase has made it difficult to justify living here even if I found someone else.

So I’ve talked to the landlords, called the cable company, and have mentally prepared myself for the eventual move.

So where do I go from here?

Home. 5 Bower Lane. Old Orchard Beach. Same as it ever was.

I took that picture at the top of this post off Google Earth.

It’s from September 2011, a time when the roof was in desperate need of a power-washing.

On the far left, you can see my first car, a 1993 Nissan Maxima.

Seated on the porch is Gabby, a delightfully plump pup, and near the bottom-right, you can see a tuft a fur from Avalanche’s tail.

It’s a place I’ve known for 26 years, and a place I will be happy to return to.

I don’t say that because it’s financially practical, and I’ll be able to pay off my student loans.

I am grateful to return home because it’s probably the last time I’ll ever get to live there.

My parents have bought a plot of land near the high school, and have decided to build a brand new house.

I go back and forth on just how upset I am about that, but I ultimately know that it’s their life, and they’re allowed to make those kinds of decisions.

Just like how I chose to go school to be a journalist, instead of becoming an engineer who could afford to buy my childhood home from my parents.

I’ll save most of my good nostalgic #content for whenever the big move finally happens, but I just wanted to write something about it tonight, maybe as a way of channeling what I was feeling all day.

Anyway, I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I’m moving back home, and I’m going to try to enjoy every second of it.

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•$600• Roommate wanted for ice cream castle on Route 1 in Saco

20180831_131452

  • This is an apartment, not the whole castle
  • Washer/dryer in the unit, with an extra dryer for fun
  • No smoking inside, it’s the only rule
  • A fine selection of free parking spaces
  • Unnecessary jacuzzi tub
  • You get your own room!

I’m seeking a roommate for a two-bedroom apartment above Martel’s Ice Cream on Route 1 in Saco.

The $600 a month rent covers all utilities except internet/cable, but we’re still talking less than $700 a month here.

Your room is right near the front door, in case you need to escape from a ghost or something.

The room has a scenic view of Splashtown, U.S.A.

I’m pretty sure it has hardwood floors, but I’m not certain because Andy says I’m not allowed in there.

The bedroom has it’s own door to a shared bathroom, featuring both the world’s largest tub and smallest shower.

I work the night shift, so you probably won’t see me much, but I’ll try to keep the noise down when I come home.

Move-in date would be in October.

An unhelpful guide to the 2018 World Cup

FIFA World Cup Trophy

It’s been four long years, but now it’s finally time for most Americans to pretend to be casual soccer fans again.

Unfortunately for them (and the executives at FOX) the United States failed to qualify for the World Cup this year.

Don’t fret, though! I’ve decided to put together a guide to help you pick a new favorite team to tell other people you’re rooting for.

The first match kicks off Thursday at 11:00 a.m. EST.

Group A

1. Uruguay

Argentina, Chile, World Cup qualifiers, FIFA, 2018 FIFA World Cup

KNOWN FOR: Being in South America

FUN SOCCER MAN: Luis Suarez

PREDICTION: Uruguay is an incredibly talented squad with some of the best forwards on the planet. They’re led by Edinson Cavani and the always controversial (and sometimes racist) Luis Suarez. They will go as far as Suarez can take them before biting someone.

2. Egypt

KNOWN FOR: Pyramids, Mummies

FUN SOCCER MAN: Mohamed Salah

PREDICTION: Mo Salah spent this past season being one of the best players in the world and leading Liverpool to an appearance in the UEFA Champions League Final. Unfortunately, he suffered a separated shoulder in that match after Sergio Ramos pulled his arm out of its socket. If Salah is healthy, Egypt can get out of the group.

3. Russia

KNOWN FOR: Meddling in U.S. elections

FUN SOCCER MAN: Vladimir Putin

PREDICTION: Russia won’t make it out of the group, but it will be fun to watch how the host nation behaves while the eyes of the world are on them. The United States won’t be paying attention, but hey, maybe some of our friends will let us know what’s going on.

4. Saudi Arabia

KNOWN FOR: Oil money, Not letting women do things

FUN SOCCER MAN: Mohammad Al-Sahlawi

PREDICTION: Saudi Arabia is not very good at soccer. They will not win a match.

Group B

1. Morocco

Morocco’s Atlas Lions’ Defense Best in Africa: FIFA

KNOWN FOR: Being that section of Epcot with all of the Aladdin stuff

FUN SOCCER MAN: Medhi Benatia

PREDICTION: The expert consensus is that Group B is the easiest one to predict. Spain and Portugal are supposed to easily run through this group. I reject this notion, and look for their neighbor, Morocco, to shock the world.

2. Portugal

KNOWN FOR: Being confused with Spain

FUN SOCCER MAN: Cristiano Ronaldo

PREDICTION: Look at Ronaldo. He’s so handsome. How can someone like that even exist? I’m in awe.

3. Spain

Spain celebrate winning South Africa 2010

KNOWN FOR: Siestas, Not participating in World Wars

FUN SOCCER MAN: Sergio Ramos

PREDICTION: One of the best parts of any international competition is watching a world power completely shit its pants. Here’s hoping Spain can follow up their 2014 performance with another flame out. They’re boring, and Ramos might be the tournament’s biggest villain.

4. Iran

Image: Iran soccer team

KNOWN FOR: Being an oppressive theocracy

FUN SOCCER MAN: Sardar Azmoun

PREDICTION: Iran’s star player, Azmoun, plays his club soccer in Russia, and kind looks like if Elvis were a Beatle. Unfortunately for Iran, the team will not be playing in Nikes this tournament because of U.S. sanctions.

Group C

1. France

France 1998: Home glory

KNOWN FOR: Freedom Fries

FUN SOCCER MAN: Antoine Griezmann

PREDICTION: France has some of the best players in the world, and will for the next couple World Cups. I had serious trouble picking just one fun soccer man, with the likes of Paul Pogba and Kylian Mbappé also on the squad. This team will be one of the favorites.

2. Denmark

Eriksen's hat-trick took his World Cup qualifying tally to 11 goals.

KNOWN FOR: The Little Mermaid

FUN SOCCER MAN: Christian Eriksen

PREDICTION: I was a little disappointed to learn that there are no actual Great Danes on Denmark’s roster. That could hurt them, but I think they will be alright as long as Christian Eriksen is a very good boy.

3. Peru

Peru team arrives in Russia to play 1st World Cup in 36 years

KNOWN FOR: Emperor Kuzco

FUN SOCCER MAN: Paolo Guerrero

PREDICTION: Peru made the World Cup for the first time in 36 years. They be knocked out in far less time.

4. Australia

KNOW FOR: Shrimp on the barbie

FUN SOCCER MAN: Tim Cahill

PREDICTION: Tim Cahill is 38 years old, and doesn’t even play on a top-flight team anymore. That should tell you everything you need to know about Australia’s chances.

Group D

1. Nigeria

KNOWN FOR: E-mail scams

FUN SOCCER MAN: John Obi Mikel

PREDICTION: Look at those kits. Nigeria might just win the whole thing in those bad boys. I told Joe to buy me one while he’s in Africa.

2. Iceland

icleand, iceland football, fifa world cup

KNOWN FOR: Synchronized clapping

FUN SOCCER MAN: Gylfi Sigurðsson

PREDICTION: The Icelandic roster is just a minefield of names I can’t pronounce. Luckily, they make up for that with a neat little slow clap that’s accessible for anyone, regardless of rhythm.

3. Argentina

argentina.jpg

KNOWN FOR: Being a safe haven for Nazis

FUN SOCCER MAN: Lionel Messi

PREDICTION: As much as I would revel in Spain’s failure, the story of Argentina is a little more depressing. Lionel Messi, one of the greatest players the sport has ever seen, has been unfairly painted as a failure on the world stage. He even contemplated hanging up the boots before this tournament. I don’t feel good about it, but I see an early exit.

4. Croatia

KNOWN FOR: Looking like picnic tables

FUN SOCCER MAN: Luka Modrić

PREDICTION: It seems like Croatia has been a dark horse for about a decade, but their window might finally be closing. They have world-class talent, but Group D might be too strong.

Group E

1. Brazil

KNOWN FOR: Carnival, Favelas

FUN SOCCER MAN: Neymar

PREDICTION: It will surprise no one that Brazil is one of the favorites in the World Cup. They will be looking to overcome the devastating 7-1 defeat at home in 2014. I think they will be just fine.

2. Costa Rica

Costa Rica World Cup squad announced

KNOWN FOR: Being that place everyone you know has taken a vacation to

FUN SOCCER MAN: Keylor Navas

PREDICTION: Costa Rica was a fun surprise in 2014, and I think they can keep that momentum going. Plus, I can always respect a team whose best player is the goalkeeper.

3. Switzerland

Image result for switzerland world cup

KNOWN FOR: Chocolate, Nazi gold

FUN SOCCER MAN: Xherdan Shaqiri

PREDICTION: A lot of Switzerland’s hopes rest on the shoulders of Xherdan Shaqiri. He is more than a capable player, but he might not be enough to overcome the rest of the group.

4. Serbia

KNOWN FOR: Basketball

FUN SOCCER MAN: Sergej Milinković-Savić

PREDICTION: I know almost nothing about Serbia. I’m sure it is a lovely place.

GROUP F

1. Germany

KNOWN FOR: That time they tried to take over the world

FUN SOCCER MAN: Mesut Özil

PREDICTION: The defending champions were rewarded with the most entertaining group in the World Cup. All four teams can score almost at will. Not that Germany will have any trouble, they are primed and ready to win the whole thing.

2. Sweden

Sweden’s Jakob Johansson celebrates scoring the only goal of their FIFA World Cup qualifier vs Italy with team mates.

KNOWN FOR: Tall blondes, House music

FUN SOCCER MAN: Emil Forsberg

PREDICTION: Sweden will be participating in the World Cup without the man who has become synonymous with soccer in the country. Luckily for the Swedes, our lord and savior Zlatan Ibrahimovic will be is Russia to watch them play. They will advance out of the group if they can channel his divine inspiration.

3. South Korea

South Korea World Cup 2014 squad

KNOWN FOR: Being the good Korea

FUN SOCCER MAN: Son Heung-min

PREDICTION: Son Heung-min is a legitimate superstar, and one of the reasons I like tuning in to Tottenham Hotspur matches. Unfortunately, the rest of South Korea’s roster doesn’t quite seem up to snuff.

4. Mexico

KNOWN FOR: Drug cartels

FUN SOCCER MAN: Héctor Herrera

PREDICTION: Mexico has a reputation as one of the world’s premier soccer nations, but their World Cup results of late have not met expectations. The squad Mexico is fielding now doesn’t have the kind of awe-inspiring star power to suggest they are any kind of threat in 2018.

Group G

1. England

Image result for world cup england

KNOWN FOR: Bad teeth, Stilted emotions

FUN SOCCER MAN: Harry Kane

PREDICTION: Perennial disappointment England is trying to regain the form that won them a World Cup in 1966. This is the best roster they’ve had in a while, with Harry Kane coming into the tournament in stellar form. And, why not, I’ll say they knock out Brazil in penalties.

2. Belgium

Image result for world cup belgium

KNOWN FOR: Bruges

FUN SOCCER MAN: Eden Hazard

PREDICTION: This may be Belgium’s last chance to be this good, so it will be paramount that they take advantage of it. Eden Hazard and absolute unit Romelu Lukaku form a formidable striker tandem. It will be fun to watch them go to work.

3. PANAMA

Image result for world cup panama

KNOWN FOR: A canal

FUN SOCCER MAN: Román Torres

PREDICTION: A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal – Panama!

4. Tunisia

Image result for world cup tunisia

KNOWN FOR: Making me Google Tunisia

FUN SOCCER MAN: Wahbi Khazri

PREDICTION: After losing Youssef Msakni to a knee injury, Tunisia is going to have to dig deep to not lose every game they play in Russia. I’d wish them luck, but it won’t help.

Group H

1. Colombia

Image result for world cup colombia

KNOWN FOR: Cocaine

FUN SOCCER MAN: James Rodríguez

PREDICTION: James Rodríguez was the breakout star of the 2014 World Cup, parlaying that success into contracts with Real Madrid and Bayern Munich. Now, James returns to the world stage, ready to lead Colombia to first in their group.

2. Senegal

Image result for world cup senegal

KNOWN FOR: Al Roker’s ancestral roots

FUN SOCCER MAN: Sadio Mané

PREDICTION: Sadio Mane is coming off his best season as a part of Liverpool’s three-pronged attack. With his big game experience, Senegal should be one of four African nations to make it out of the group stage.

3. Japan

Image result for world cup japan

KNOWN FOR: Daisuke Matsuzaka

FUN SOCCER MAN: Keisuke Honda

PREDICTION: Besides Keisuke Honda and Shinji Kagawa, this team does nothing for me. I don’t expect Japan to make it out of the group stage.

4. Poland

Image result for world cup poland

KNOWN FOR: Jokes about Poland

FUN SOCCER MAN: Robert Lewandowski

PREDICTION: Simply put, Robert Lewandowski has to carry his countrymen through the World Cup. The only question left is, “How many goals can he score?”

The Bracket

world cup bracket

1. Germany

2. Uruguay

3. England

The XFL is back, but what is it?

xfl

“It’s football, reimagined.”

Professional wrestling promoter and very stable genius Vince McMahon announced today that he planned on bringing the XFL back in 2020.

For anyone unfamiliar, the original XFL was a spring football league that lasted one season in 2001.

Riding a wave of popularity from the WWF’s Attitude Era, McMahon and NBC thought they could bring that same attitude to football.

The XFL was promoted as a more violent and in-your-face brand of football.

For the most part, it was bad. Like, Tommy-Maddox-is-your-best-player bad.

Aside from the quality of football, there were some positives. The XFL popularized the skycam, and contributed to the legend of Rod Smart.

So now Vince, in his infinite wisdom, has decided to bring back the XFL. But will this league bring back the same attitude as it’s predecessor?

No, as McMahon explains in this uninformative conference call.

I recommend you take the time to watch the whole thing, especially so you can hear McMahon call Darren Rovell, “Dan.”

The gist of this announcement seems to point towards the XFL appealing to the fed-up, #MAGA crowd.

  • Players will be required to stand for the National Anthem, in an effort to de-politicize football.
  • Players with a criminal record will not be signed.
  • Rules will be simpler, which until we know what that means, doesn’t mean much. The informative XFL rap suggests there will be less penalties.
  • Games will be quicker, which is genuinely appealing. McMahon says he wants to shoot for 2-hour games and eliminate halftime.

Much like the original XFL, I think this league will bring some interesting innovation to the sport, but some of the language scares me.

I don’t necessarily think you need to be “fed-up” with the NFL to enjoy a new and different league. You won’t find me complaining about having more sports to watch.

So until we know more, I’m not entirely sure what to make of the XFL.

2020 can’t come soon enough.

Nuance is hard, and we’re not interested

kneel

This is another late-to-the-party thinkpiece about why your Facebook News Feed has been extra awful lately. If you’re not into that, I thank you for your click and wish you the best with the rest of your life.

For the rest of you, I think you know what I’m talking about.

Everyone you’ve ever met has an opinion about the recent uptick in NFL players protesting during the national anthem, and none of them are any good.

Half of of my feed thinks systemic racism is the bee’s knees, and the other half acts like Francis Scott Key has no bars.

What got lost somewhere between our TVs and Facebook, though was what this protest originally started as.

In 2014, there were a number of high-profile deaths of unarmed black men at the hands of law enforcement. It wasn’t anything new in this country, but social media made the news travel faster and further than ever before.

In the subsequent years, any killings of citizens by civil servants have been put under a microscope, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Responses to these deaths have ranged from peaceful protests and the rise of groups like #BlackLivesMatter, to riots and retaliatory killings of police officers.

Before our nation could properly address the issue at hand, camps began to form. Suddenly, the narrative was that you were either pro-black people not getting shot or pro-police safety.

As you can probably tell, this was less than constructive. In fact, I’d argue that the mutual fear shared between law enforcement and black men in this country is what put us in this mess to begin with.

And we really haven’t learned. Enter Colin Kaepernick.

kaep

Kaepernick was (is? I’m not sure at this point) a dynamic young quarterback more than capable of holding a roster spot in the NFL. Now he doesn’t have a job.

Kaepernick began last season by taking a knee during the national anthem as a way to protest the treatment of African Americans and other minorities in this country.

Again, this act wasn’t unprecedented.

There’s a clear history of athletes making statements during the anthem.

It’s important to remember that none of these protests are as offensive as Carl Lewis actually trying to sing.

Derrick Coleman really makes that video something special.

Back to Kaepernick motives, it’s important to understand that they’re not very controversial. “Stop killing black people” is only a hot take if you also enjoy casual cross-burnings in your spare time.

Unfortunately, the narrative was twisted again. Because NFL players were protesting during a ceremony that has become increasingly intertwined with the American military, those who wanted to stifle their message made it about the troops.

And you’ve got to support the troops.

So that’s why all of your casual acquaintances from high school are fighting so passionately on Facebook right now. What should have been a discussion about race in this country has turned into a debate about whether we should care more about the troops or minorities.

If you’re looking for my honest opinion on this matter, I think we need to stop wrapping ourselves in the flag every time the country is criticized.

I think the United States is the greatest country in the world. I have more opportunity here than I would anywhere else, but it doesn’t mean this place is infallible.

If enough people can identify a problem, it costs nothing to explore possible solutions, even if you don’t think the problem exists. Once a situation is fully delved into, then you can take actions toward self improvement.

But that’s hard. It’s much easier to entrench yourself in a camp and argue online.

I only ask that you try it, just this once, before you hit that publish button.

I’m glad the Patriots lost

peaceFandom is a tricky thing.

I’ve toyed with the idea that it might not even be all that beneficial on this blog before.

Fandom can make you angry at people you genuinely like, just because you’ve arbitrarily tied your emotions to a different team than they have. Or, in this case, the same team.

You see, I’m a New England Patriots fan, and I can tell you right now that this fanbase is toxic.

It’s true that all fandoms have a rogue element, but it feels like ever since “Deflategate” became a part of the public lexicon, Patriots fans have taken it upon themselves to be extra insufferable.

We’re talking about people who actually embraced mantras like, “They hate us ’cause they ain’t us.”

Watch that scene. You’re not supposed to like James Franco, he’s a bad person. Any rational human being would empathize with Seth Rogan, who has to deal with this idiot.

That’s what being a Patriots fan is like, and this offseason made it even worse.

I’m sure you know by now, but the Patriots overcame a 28-3 deficit to win the Super Bowl last season. Instantly, 28-3 became the premier sports meme, and Patriots fans made sure to incessantly remind the people of Atlanta how badly their team choked.

I know people don’t usually say this outside of the Environmental Protection Agency, but have we not learned from Cleveland? Did we all just forget what happened at the end of that summer of 3-1 jokes?

The Patriots even had the scoreboard read 28-3 during the pregame ceremonies tonight!

And speaking of opening ceremonies, we were treated with an intro by Mark Wahlberg, Boston’s favorite former racist teenage cokehead and current Super Bowl-leaver.

I’m sure Marky Mark’s a lovely guy now, but there’s a certain demographic that reeeeeally likes Mark Wahlberg, and I am not a part of that group.

I think my biggest issue with the current state of Boston sports culture, though, is the media empire it has birthed.

Barstool Sports is a website (mostly) about sports that embraces all of the worst aspects of sports fandom. It combines frat-bro culture with the ignorance of a, well, young Mark Wahlberg.

The founder of this website is a Patriots fan and someone I have no interest in ever meeting.

In that video, Mr. Portnoy mentions an ongoing feud between Patriots fans and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Now, a sane person would tell you that those issues were resolved when the Patriots won the Super Bowl last season. Unfortunately, the world doesn’t work that way.

Mr. Portnoy and his band of numbskulls decided to hand out towels chastising the (in his own way, also terrible) commissioner. It’s like they were begging to lose this game.

I just wonder when Patriots fans stopped believing their own bullshit.

Wasn’t this the team that was so successful because of “The Patriot Way” and other platitudes? What happened to “Do your job?” Shouldn’t the team be “avoiding distractions?”

Objectively, this was poetic justice. Pride cometh before the fall, and all that stuff.

I just hope that maybe we can all calm down before Week 2.

An unhelpful guide to the 2016 election

Well folks, it’s finally time for the 2016 election. I’m going to be spending my Election Day bouncing between panic attacks, so I figure I’d might as well have a little fun on one of my favorite days of the year.

If you’re bored enough to be a regular reader, you probably noticed that I haven’t posted since getting a full-time job. There are various reasons for that, but since it’s Election Day Eve, I’ve never felt like I had more job security/willingness to get fired.

To be safe, though, I should note that the views expressed in this blog do not reflect the views of anyone I work with or for. They also don’t interfere with my ability to do my job professionally, and any assertions to the contrary are silly.

With that out of the way, I’m going to break down my ballot here in Old Orchard Beach and give as much expert analysis as I can muster. Long-time reader Matthew Thomas Lauzon requested that I also look into the Massachusetts ballot, but it’s late and I’m tired and I missed my exit driving home from work, so I won’t be doing that.

Let’s get started.

National

U.S. President/U.S. Vice President

Hillary Clinton/Tim Kaine vs. Donald Trump/Mike Pence vs. Gary Johnson/Bill Weld vs. Jill Stein/Ajamu Baraka

This is the most important decision on the ballot, but it’s also probably the most straight forward.

I voted for Gary Johnson in 2012, but I was on a Libertarian kick through most of college, and I’m over that now. And speaking of college, I was pretty good with Baraka freshman year, but I don’t think I’d ever vote for Shao Kahn to be President.

That leaves me with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and trust me, I wanted to believe.

I wanted to believe that Donald Trump the candidate was performance art. I wanted to believe that Trump was using his experience from Wrestlemanias 4,5, and 23 to convince the unwashed masses to vote for him.

And I was actually willing to vote for Trump if it meant I could point and laugh at all the marks that were duped by the Donald. Like The Immortal One once said, I worked myself into a shoot.

The only person truly qualified to run the country left in this race is Hillary Clinton.

I know that she’s an unlikable robot try-hard who feels the need to convince us she registers emotions. I didn’t say she was my favorite person, just the one with the credentials to be President.

Playa Hater’s Pick: Hillary Clinton

U.S. Representative

Mark I. Holbrook vs. Chellie Pingree

I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t know Pingree was up for re-election until last week. And I know nothing about her opponent.

If I do know one thing about U.S. Representative races, though, it’s that the have some of the best commercials. So let’s see what Mr. Holbrook’s got.

Not a good look, dawg.

Playa Hater’s Pick: Chellie Pingree

State

ME State Senator

Justin M. Chenette vs. Timothy N. Sevigny

This race has been marred by some nastiness directed at Chenette’s sexual orientation by the Chairman of the York County Republican Committee. As far as I know, Sevigny had nothing to do with that.

The problem with Sevigny is that he’s an enigma. The dude doesn’t even have a picture on Ballotpedia.

He could be a lizard. I’m not taking any chances.

Playa Hater’s Pick: Justin M. Chenette

ME State Representative

Michael E. Coleman vs. George Hogan

Whenever I head down to the beach, I end up getting food at the place Hogan used to own. These are the stupid rationalizations that lead to critical votes in local elections.

Playa Hater’s Pick: George Hogan

Question 1

Legalizes marijuana for persons over 21 years old, subject to state regulation and taxation.

I was pretty torn on this question. On one side, you have stoners, whom I loathe. On the other side, you have pearl-clutchers and super-hippies afraid of BIG WEED taking their business.

Let me be clear, if you smoke weed, that’s cool. It’s when smoking weed becomes your identity as a human being that you tend to lose me.

Have you ever talked to a hardcore stoner abut weed? I don’t want to give that person any validity.

You don’t need drugs to be cool, you guys.

In the nature of full transparency, I would also outlaw craft beer or anything else that brings others joy.

Playa Hater’s Pick: No

Question 2

Raises taxes by 3% on income over $200,000 to create a fund for K-12 student support.

This is an awesome tax increase because I know it will never affect me. And if it did, that would be an awesome problem to have.

Rich people, it’s time for you to pay for schools, or whatever this says. I don’t care, tax them 900 percent.

Playa Hater’s Pick: Yes

Question 3

Requires background checks on gun sales between non-licensed dealers.

Guns are spooky, and I’m not above voting out of fear.

Playa Hater’s Pick: Yes

Question 4

Raises the minimum wage.

While raising the minimum wage to $12 by 2020 won’t affect me, this question does allow for “annual cost-of-living increases thereafter.”

My hope is that eventually, minimum wage will exceed what I earn, and I can get a raise without going through the awkward process of asking for one.

Playa Hater’s Pick: Yes

Question 5

Allows ranked-choice voting in federal and state elections.

Now THIS is something to get excited about.

Question 5 would introduce voters to one of earth greatest concepts: power rankings.

It’s deceptively simple. All you have to do is rank your candidates.

  1. Hillary Clinton
  2. Gary Johnson
  3. The other two

It’s that easy! And you can power-rank anything, from NHL teams to Canadians.

Playa Hater’s Pick: Yes

Question 6

Issues a $100 million bond for transportation infrastructure.

I blew a tire yesterday. It’s nice to see the state do something about it.

Playa Hater’s Pick: Yes

Local

York County Register of Probate

Carol J. Lovejoy vs. Allen R. Sicard

I think someone named “Lovejoy” is more than qualified to register probes.

Playa Hater’s Pick: Carol J. Lovejoy

York County Judge of Probate

Bryan M Chabot vs. Bernard J Broder III vs. Robert M. Auclair Nadeau

You may not know this, but Robert Nadeau is the bad boy of probate judges. He’s been reprimanded multiple times, and he’s coming off a 30-day suspension just in time for the election.

This is the kind of local politics that I can get behind. An official who does a job that I don’t understand, and yet I can still point to that official as an example of how corrupt our political system is, man.

Playa Hater’s Pick: Robert M. Auclair Nadeau

Song with a depressingly short shelf life

Get Hype Game of the Night!

Don’t watch sports tonight. Keep your eyes glued to quality election coverage all night long.