The NFL season is finally upon us, and that means I’m back to lead you astray with some awful predictions for 2019.
I combed through each team’s schedule, week-by-week, to incorrectly pick winners and losers. It took way longer than I was prepared for.
So strap in, folks. I’m sure you’ll find something in here to yell at me about.
AFC East
1. New England Patriots (12-4)
Analysis: The defending Super Bowl champions will be good again, and that’s probably the easiest prediction anyone can make. The Patriots have been to the Super Bowl the last three years, and I see no reason why they can’t make it back. All in all, this is a fairly boring paragraph.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Julian Edelman, WR
Player to watch in football fantasies: Tom Brady, Gorgeous Old Man
Fun Fact: While this team is named the Patriots, real patriots are football fans who stand for the flag and kneel for the cross.
2. Miami Dolphins (8-8)
Analysis: The Dolphins are widely picked to be the worst team in football this year. I honestly don’t think they’ll be that bad. Miami gets the benefit of playing the Bills and Jets twice a year, and they also inexplicably beat the Patriots seemingly every year. Led by Ryan Fitzpatrick, the Dolphins are a bad team that you can feel good about rooting for.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Kenyan Drake, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: DeVante Parker, Louisville Looker
Fun Fact: A team of actual Dolphins would be pretty bad at football, unless it was played in the water.
3. New York Jets (6-10)
Analysis: The J-E-T-S (JETS! JETS! JETS!) made a major improvement at running back, signing rapper Le’Veon Bell for the upcoming season. I think Sam Darnold get better this season, but it’s hard to believe the Jets will be anything better than hot garbage.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Le’Veon Bell, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Sam Darnold, Werewolf-Vampire Hybrid
Fun Fact: The New York Jets wear green because most airplanes are green.
4. Buffalo Bills (6-10)
Analysis: The Buffalo Bills are not only a bad football team, they have played a major role in American politics. In 2014, then-reality TV star Donald Trump wanted to buy the team. If he had been successful, the world would probably be a much different place. They still have the best fans in football, though.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Devin Singletary, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Jordan Poyer, Sultry Safety
Fun Fact: Buffalo Bill was a real man, and his life story was used for the 1991 biopic “The Silence of the Lambs.”
AFC North
1. Pittsburgh Steelers (14-2)
Analysis: A lot of analysts see the Steelers suffering a downturn after losing top wideout Antonio Brown in the offseason. I, on the other hand, marvel at how easy Pittsburgh’s schedule looks on paper. There isn’t a team on there that I think they can’t beat. I think the Steelers have a wonderful season before flaming out in the divisional round of the playoffs.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: James Conner, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Vance McDonald, Tight End
Fun Fact: The Steelers only have their logo on the right side of their helmets as part of their commitment to never sign left-handed players.
2. Baltimore Ravens (8-8)
Analysis: I believe in Lamar Jackson! I loved watching him play in Louisville, and I think he can become a successful pro. Not too successful, though. Maybe like, half-successful, half-unsuccessful, but still playoff-qualified thanks to tiebreakers.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Mark Ingram II, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Justin Tucker, Kicker with Golden Pipes
Fun Fact: Ravens look like big crows.
3. Cincinnati Bengals (7-9)
Analysis: The Bengals are a tragic franchise forever wallowing in obscurity. They refuse to blow the team up and start over, so I can’t reward them with a bad enough record to get a good draft pick.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Joe Mixon, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Andy Dalton, King of the Gingers
Fun Fact: Bengal tigers are found on the Indian subcontinent, more than 8,000 miles away from Cincinnati.
4. Cleveland Browns (5-11)
Analysis: I don’t believe in the Cleveland Browns. I don’t believe in the Cleveland Indians. I don’t believe in the Cleveland Cavaliers. Cleveland is a city of losing sports teams that has somehow captured the nation’s spotlight. I can’t wait to watch the Browns disappoint again.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Nick Chubb, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Baker Mayfield, White Guy who can Dance
Fun Fact: Cleveland’s helmets are orange, not brown.
AFC South
1. Indianapolis Colts (9-7)
Analysis: The Colts are facing more adversity than any other team going into the season. Their longtime starting quarterback, Andrew Luck, retired just weeks before Week 1. Luckily, Indianapolis has my boys Jacoby Brissett (who has a cannon) and Brian Hoyer ready to take over. In a weak division, I think the Colts can still pull it out.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Marlon Mack, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Jacoby Brissett, First on the Depth Chart and in my Heart
Fun Fact: Vice President Mike Pence occasionally attends Indianapolis Colts games, only to leave before kickoff.
2. Houston Texans (8-8)
Analysis: The Texans feature one of the most exciting young quarterbacks in football, as well as the game’s best receiver and defensive end. All signs point to a team that should be successful, but I’ve never been able to trust them. I’ve never watched a football game and thought, “Wow, the Texans look like actual contenders.” They’re just “meh.”
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: DeAndre Hopkins, WR
Player to watch in football fantasies: Will Fuller V, Dreadlocked Dreamboat
Fun Fact: Despite the name, not everyone on Houston is from Texas.
3. Tennessee Titans (7-9)
Analysis: Another young team going virtually nowhere, the Titans have to make a decision soon as to whether Marcus Mariota is going to be “the guy” they want to try to win a Super Bowl with. So far, I feel like he’s been underwhelming, which means he fits in perfectly well with the rest of the teams in this division.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Derrick Henry, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Derrick Henry, Big Burly Boy
Fun Fact: The Titans were antagonists in the 1997 documentary “Hercules.”
4. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11)
Analysis: Despite having the best nickname in football, Nick Foles will not be able to turn around the Jaguars’ fortunes by himself. Their defense is still one of the best in the league, but an anemic offense has been holding them back. I just don’t think they’ve done enough to overcome that weakness.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Leonard Fournette, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Nick Foles, BDN
Fun Fact: Jaguars are bigger than most house cats.
AFC West
1. Los Angeles Chargers (10-6)
Analysis: This is the year the Los Angeles Chargers ascend back to the top of the AFC West. The Chargers might be starting without star running back Melvin Gordon, but they have the pieces to overcome that deficiency. They will be able to keep the Chiefs at bay during the regular season.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Keenan Allen, WR
Player to watch in football fantasies: Philip Rivers, Fertile Goober
Fun Fact: Unable to find a football stadium in Los Angeles to play in, the Chargers will return to playing in an American Legion bingo hall in Reseda.
2. Kansas City Chiefs (9-7)
Analysis: The Chiefs have built one of the most formidable offensive attacks the NFL has seen in years. Their defense is still less than impressive. If Pat Mahomes regresses the way I expect him to, the Chiefs will be on the road throughout their playoff run.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Travis Kelce, TE
Player to watch in football fantasies: Patrick Mahomes, Human Kermit
Fun Fact: The Tomahawk Chop is still racist.
3. Denver Broncos (6-10)
Analysis: After years of being elite(?) in Baltimore, Joe Flacco is going to try to apply his craft in the Mile High City. The thin air may help him throw the ball 80 yards in hopes of drawing a pass interference penalty. It won’t help them win football games, though.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Phillip Lindsay, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Von Miller, Deodorant Pitchman
Fun Fact: The city of Denver is named after American singer-songwriter John Denver.
4. Oakland Raiders (5-11)
Analysis: Featured on HBO’s Hard Knocks, the Oakland Raiders are going to have high expectations placed on them by casual fans. However, the team is still rebuilding. The addition of Antonio Brown is nice, but this squad needs much more.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Antonio Brown, WR
Player to watch in football fantasies: Antonio Brown, All-around Fantasy Stud
Fun Fact: In Oakland, the whistles go “Wooo!”
NFC East
1. Dallas Cowboys (11-5)
Analysis: How ’bout them Cowboys? With Ezekiel Elliott signing a massive extension, the Cowboys are primed and ready to dominate their division. Dallas was worlds better last season after they added Amari Cooper, and if Dak and company stay healthy, the Cowboys will be hosting playoff games this season.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Ezekiel Elliott, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Dak Prescott, Dashing Dak
Fun Fact: The Cowboys are considered “America’s team” despite playing half their games in one city.
2. Philadelphia Eagles (9-7)
Analysis: I have a soft spot for the Eagles, despite my general disdain for the people of Philadelphia. Carson Wentz has proven himself to be a quality NFL quarterback, but he has some durability issues. Without a guarantee that Wentz will be able to stay healthy, I can’t fully back the birds.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Zach Ertz, TE
Player to watch in football fantasies: Carson Wentz, Gritty with a Shave
Fun Fact: Philadelphia is the sixth largest city in the U.S. Neat.
3. New York Giants (6-10)
Analysis: The Giants puzzled many pundits when they drafted decidedly white quarterback Daniel Jones out of Duke as the eventual replacement for Eli Manning. At this point, you might as well throw him into the fire now. Things can’t get much worse in New York.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Saquon Barkley, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Eli Manning, Simple Man
Fun Fact: The Giants actually play in New Jersey, not New York.
4. Washington Redskins (5-11)
Analysis: Things can get worse in Washington, however. Washington has nothing that excites me. They’re starting Case Keenum over promising rookie Dwayne Haskins! The Redskins may not win a game.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Derrius Guice, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Dwayne Haskins, Baby-faced Baller
Fun Fact: Washington somehow makes the Chiefs less racist.
NFC North
1. Minnesota Vikings (11-5)
Analysis: The Minnesota Vikings will go as far as anyone other than Kirk Cousins will take them, which is actually good news for Vikings fans. The supporting cast around Cousins is extremely talented. I expect the Vikings to win a hotly contested NFC North.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Dalvin Cook, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Stefon Diggs, Miracle Man
Fun Fact: While vikings did travel to the North American continent, they never made it to Minnesota.
2. Chicago Bears (10-6)
Analysis: The Bears will be the most tragic story of the NFL season. Bolstered by an incredible defense, Chicago will compile an impressive 10-6 record. However, due to tiebreakers, I don’t think they will make the playoffs. It’s a real shame.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: David Montgomery, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Smokin’ Jay Cutler, Then, Now and Forever
Fun Fact: Bears are a top-tier animal, and should be respected as such.
3. Detroit Lions (8-8)
Analysis: Poor Detroit. The Tigers are awful. The Pistons are mediocre. I don’t even care about the Red Wings enough to look up how they did last season. So here we have the Lions, a consensus pick to finish last in the division. Well, I’m not going to do that. Detroit will have a magical season that ends with a final win over Green Bay to seal third place.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Kerryon Johnson, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Marvin Jones Jr., Sweet Second Fiddle
Fun Fact: I originally wrote “Tigers” in the headline for this section, because Detroit sports teams are interchangeable.
4. Green Bay Packers (7-9)
Analysis: Aaron Rodgers is one of the most talented quarterbacks in NFL history. He’s also made of paper mache. Not good paper mache, either. The kind I would make in art class. What I’m trying to say is that I was never good at art class.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Devante Adams, WR
Player to watch in football fantasies: Aaron Rodgers, Mustache Man
Fun Fact: The only thing worse than one NFL owner is 360,760 of them.
NFC South
1. Atlanta Falcons (11-5)
Analysis: After a disappointing season, the Falcons are ready to return to form. The NFC South is the toughest division in football, with three legitimate contenders. I think they all make the playoffs, with the Falcons eeking out first place. Because they play in Atlanta, though, the playoffs won’t be kind to them.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Julio Jones, WR
Player to watch in football fantasies: Vic Beasley, Goateed Gentleman
Fun Fact: Mercedes-Benz Stadium features a Chick-Fil-A, but they’re still closed on Sundays.
2. Carolina Panthers (10-6)
Analysis: I may be alone here, but I have BIG expectations for the Panthers this season. Armed with the best arsenal of weapons he’s had all career, Cam Newton will return to his MVP form. I don’t want to spoil anything, but let’s say I have Carolina going very far this season.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Christian McCaffrey, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Cam Newton, Hatted Hunk
Fun Fact: Whenever I see the Carolina Panthers logo, I immediately think of Jake Delhomme. It’s automatic.
3. New Orleans Saints (10-6)
Analysis: I like the Saints. I like the players, and I like the way they play. The annoying thing around the franchise right now is that fans are still whining about a blown pass interference call in last year’s NFC Championship Game. I get it. That sucks. What will help ease the pain is another playoff run this season.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Alvin Kamara, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Alvin Kamara, Speedster with a Septum Piercing
Fun Fact: The Saints don’t actually march into football stadiums. That’s a common misconception.
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-11)
Analysis: Tampa Bay is hoping to adopt a new identity this season. Coach Bruce Arians wants to air the ball out, and the Bucs have the weapons to do that. All that remains is for Jameis Winston to get his act together and lead this team out of the basement.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Mike Evans, WR
Player to watch in football fantasies: Mike Evans, Tall Glass of Water
Fun Fact: The seats for Raymond James Stadium were once made in Maine, I think. Something like that. I didn’t research this.
NFC West
1. Los Angeles Rams (10-6)
Analysis: Last year’s Super Bowl runner-ups look poised to be contenders again this season. Quarterback Jared Goff signed a huge extension, relieving the kind of headache that Dallas may be going through during the season. The only issue is that their star running back has an arthritic knee. That’s not what you want.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Todd Gurley II, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Jared Goff, Rich Young Man
Fun Fact: The Rams indecision on a color scheme really infuriates me.
2. Seattle Seahawks (8-8)
Analysis: 9/11 truther Pete Carroll and his robot quarterback hope to regain the winning form Seattle has enjoyed most of this decade. The issue is I feel like Russell Wilson has never had fewer weapons. The Seahawks have mediocre written all over them.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Tyler Lockett, WR
Player to watch in football fantasies: Russell Wilson, Quarterback of Christ
Fun Fact: Most Seattle Seahawk fans were born in 2012, no matter how old they are.
3. Arizona Cardinals (7-9)
Analysis: I am all in on the Kyler Murray show. The Cardinals will be surprisingly not awful this season. One has to question Murray’s decision making, though. The kid could be playing baseball instead of being hit by 300-pound men for a living. Maybe he just hates Oakland.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: David Johnson, RB
Player to watch in football fantasies: Kliff Kingsbury, Not a Player, but Probably a Player
Fun Fact: The Arizona Cardinals used to be the St. Louis Cardinals, which must have been confusing. There are other birds, you guys.
4. San Francisco 49ers (3-13)
Analysis: The San Fransisco 49ers are my pick to be the worst team in the NFL, possibly because I need to wrap up this preview before work. Just imagine I explained why they’ll be so bad.
Player to watch in Fantasy Football: George Kittle, TE
Player to watch in football fantasies: Jimmy Garoppolo, Jimmy G-orgeous
Fun Fact: The Golden Gate Bridge is not actually gold.
Wild Card games
Chargers (3) over Ravens (6), Chiefs (5) over Colts (4)
Saints (6) over Falcons (3), Panthers (5) over Rams (4)
Divisional Round
Chiefs (5) over Steelers (1), Patriots (2) over Chargers (3)
Cowboys (1) over Saints (6), Panthers (5) over Vikings (2)
Conference Championships
Patriots (2) over Chiefs (5)
Panthers (5) over Cowboys (1)
Super Bowl LIV
Panthers 33, Patriots 30