Category: Virtual Vursday

I want to be Jose Bautista when I grow up

I can’t stop watching this clip. Jose Bautista must have the Infinity Gauntlet, because he has complete mastery over time, space, mind, soul, reality, and power. Mostly power.

The game might have been played in Toronto, but I think the ball landed somewhere near Dallas. In 1963. That home run broke space time and killed JFK. You can see it on the director’s cut of the Zapruder film.

He smoked that ball. I’m serious. Jose Bautista hit a ball so hard that it took on a gaseous form. And then he watched it. You can see his eternal monologue. “Man, I just did something really cool, but I should probably call Bill Nye and tell him that I can alter matter.”

A lot of people focus on the bat flip, but the stare really does it for me. Nothing says “I’m a better person than you” like staring a hole into a pitcher after sending his life’s work into orbit.

Not to say the bat flip wasn’t great as well. It was a dismissive, non-verbal way for Bautista to let Sam Dyson know that he’s not even worthy of belonging to the same species as Joey Bats. It reminded me of when Jordan put my boy Harold Miner in his place.

Vicious. In all seriousness, though, The Blue Jays, Jose Bautista, and his Joe Budden facial hair are going to win this whole thing. Might as well enjoy the ride.

Link for you to click on

Fantasy basketball

Song for looking like Joey Bats

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Mets vs. Dodgers – 8:07 p.m. – TBS

Mets are trying to clinch their first NLCS bid since 2000. Greinke taking on deGrom.

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A Dusty Finish

I have no interest in becoming “the blog that only posts when someone dies,” but there are certain people who I think deserve a tribute. Dusty Rhodes, The American Dream, died today at the age of 69.

He was a common man, the son of a plumber, and a polka-dot enthusiast. Dusty wasn’t the greatest athlete, but he was magic on a microphone. Rhodes was the perfect face to play off the Ric Flair. He was one of us. He knew about hard times.

WWF fans will remember Dusty as the polka-dotted father of Goldust and Stardust, but he was so much more in the territory days of the NWA. As a booker, Dusty was so prolific that he had a finish named after him. As a wrestler, he was so well-known that Vince McMahon turned One Man Gang into a Rhodes parody.

Most recently, Dusty had been working as a trainer in NXT. The future successes of those superstars will just add to the legacy of Dusty Rhodes.

For now, though, let’s just listen to one of the greatest calls in wrestling history.

We’ll miss you, Dusty.

Wait, the NFL Draft’s tonight?

Before I start, I feel it’s important to say that I love the NFL Draft. It’s great television, with a lot of drama and a few big surprises. It’s also a fantastic time to sit back and wonder what exactly Mel Kiper Jr. does the rest of the year. I imagine that he tries different hairstyles, only to go back to the vampire bouffant for show time.

What I don’t like about about the NFL Draft is all of the nonsense that goes on before hand. Players move up and down draft boards without playing a game or even participating in a workout. It’s all a big con to keep viewers attention on the NFL.

To combat this, I’ve tried a new personal sports philosophy of “Don’t watch sports unless a live event is actually on.” So far, it’s been wonderful to avoid the mindless chatter. Plus, I get the bonus of having NFL Draft Day sneak up on me.

That being said, it has been difficult to go all-in on draft day as a Patriots fan the last fifteen seasons. Belichick likes to trade out of the first round and draft guys from Rutgers that you’ve never heard of. I’m not trying to complain, because the success has been sweet, but it’s hard to really get hyped for a trade that gives you two fourth-rounders.

But I understand that this day isn’t really for New England. Last year, I watched the draft with my buddy Chris, who is a Vikings fan, and it was cool to see someone genuinely excited about what the draft meant to his team. And hey, they got Teddy Bridgewater out of it, and I think he can be a really good quarterback.

The NFL draft is a cool event that can make for really great television. But don’t watch it tonight, there are better things on.

Afternoon

Serie A – Napoli vs. Empoli – 2:45 – BEIN – HL: 5.4

I just spent a good half-hour re-watching highlights of the Super Bowl in anticipation for the draft tonight. It feels weird, because the NBA is easily my favorite league, but there’s something about the NFL that just pulls you in. Maybe it’s because they play less than 20 games a year, but everything’s just so important. I can’t wait for it to be back again.

Prime Time

NHL – Washington Capitals vs. New York Rangers – 7:30 – NBCSN – HL: 8.7

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This series will be a fantastic matchup between the NHL’s best skater and the NHL’s best team. Look for Rick Nash and the Rangers to keep Ovechkin at bay in Game 1. Trust me, just have Twitter up for your draft needs.

Late Night

NBA – Los Angeles Clippers vs. San Antonio Spurs – 9:30 – TNT – HL: 8.7

Not to be out-hyped, there is also some fantastic basketball tonight. The Clippers need to muster up a road win to save their season and possibly the make up of this team. I think it’s hard to imagine this nucleus staying intact if they get bounced from the first round of the playoffs. I think they get it done tonight.

Distributing digital democracy

I had no idea today was Thursday when I woke up. This fog of unemployment has left me in a partially vegetative state where time has no meaning. Heck, I haven’t even changed the channel since turning on the TV.

And I have to say, HBO 2 is playing the worst movie right now. According to the guide, “Endless Love: Parental disapproval only makes two teenage lovers more reckless as they pursue their intense affair,” has 1 1/2 stars. I think whoever rated this was being extremely dangerous. No one in this movie is likable.

But I’ve always wanted to make a movie kind of like this. Standard Hollywood schlock with terrible characters, but at the end, they all die. Shakespeare was onto something there.

That being said, let’s see which games came out this week.

Helldivers

Man, I’m down with the tone of this trailer. If you name your game “Helldivers,” you can’t take yourself seriously.

In terms of gameplay, the twin-stick shooter is a genre in which I think I’m better than I actually am. I tend to panic in stressful situations. Or normal situations. I’m panicking right now.

4.1/5 dives into Hell.

Oreshika: Tainted Bloodline

I have no idea what’s going on. This is why nobody likes Japan.

3.85/5 shrugs from me.

Zombie Army Trilogy

Are we beyond zombies? I mean, especially Nazi zombies? It seems like a thing we as a society would be passed by now.

3.25/5 zombies.

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Mavericks vs. Trail Blazers – 10:30 – TNT

The Mavericks take the league’s 5th-best offense into Portland. The Trail Blazers have won four straight.

PICK: Mavericks.

Links

Fantasy Baseball

NCAA Tournament Pool

Big Ten wrestling, Dragonballs, and Dynasties

So I’m watching some Big Ten wrestling as I’m typing this and I’m thoroughly confused. These jabronis have no idea how to work a proper face/heel dynamic.

I just watched some guy get an unsportsmanlike penalty for slamming his opponent. The benches almost cleared because of it.

Even worse, you have two matches (four different teams) going on at the same time. How am I supposed to watch this sport?

As always, the professional version of a sport is much better than college.

Wrestling aside, it’s Thursday, and that arbitrarily means that we talk about video games on The Playa Hater’s Blog. This idea is going to be an extension of “reviews of movies I haven’t seen.”

Welcome to “reviews of games I have never played.”

Dragon Ball: Xenoverse

I gotta say, eight-year-old me is pretty hype right now. The idea that you can play as all of the characters from the show is pretty cool.

The problem I run into is that this game seems VERY overwhelming. First of all, I have no idea who some of these people are (I only watched through the Cell Games Saga). That alone might mean that I’m not exactly the target audience of this game.

Also, I feel like you’d need at least 12 more buttons on a controller to control this properly. Not to mention the flying. I just really got the hang of UFC, and now you want to add spirit bombs into the mix? I don’t think I can handle it.

3.6 out of 5 Dragon Balls.

Dynasty Warriors 8: Empires

I’ve never played a Dynasty Warriors game either, but the concept seems similar. “Kill all of the things that aren’t you” is a tried and true gameplay method, so I’m not going to knock it for that.

I will knock it for not being in English, though. How dare you make a game about non-Americans speaking non-American. Get out of my country!

3.5 out of 5 disgruntled Republicans.

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Warriors vs. Cavaliers – 8:00 – TNT

This is a very possible finals preview. If you don’t like that, you must play funny-talking video games.

PICK: Cavaliers.

Rest in peace, Jerome

It’s been unfortunate how often death has crept its way into the world of sports recently. Just on this blog, I covered Stuart Scott and Dean Smith, and didn’t even get around to Ernie Banks or Jerry Tarkanian.

Yesterday’s death hit me pretty hard, though, and so I feel that I have to talk about it. Jerome Kersey died yesterday at the age of 52.

Now, I’ve never been a Blazers fan, but I was always fascinated with their teams from the early ’90s. They had an incredibly deep roster, cool jerseys, and a Hall of Fame shooting guard with incredible taste in music.

Those Blazer teams are my all-time favorite video game teams, and I’m pretty sure I’m still undefeated with them. And Kersey has a lot to do with that.

Try this the next time you’re using Jerome Kersey in a video game. Get it out to him on the wing and up-fake. When the defender bites, blow by him and dunk. Kersey will automatically jump over the help defender, he’s unstoppable.

Now if you excuse me, I’m going to sob and play 2K14.

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Spurs vs. Clippers – 10:30 – TNT

The NBA is back, which is awesome because I was actually winning money on FanDuel when I was restricted to NHL games. Now everything can return back to normal.

Also worth a look

Mavericks vs. Thunder – 8:00 – TNT

It’s not often that a role player gets this much attention, but Amar’e Stoudemire will be making his Maverick debut tonight.

Temple vs. SMU – 7:00 – ESPN2

Temple is on a 7-game winning streak, so they have a good shot at knocking off the ranked Mustangs.