Category: Waste of Time Wednesday

Everything’s coming up Milhouse

I’ve been in a funk for the last two months. Dealing with this new job, while still working at Pirate’s Cove, left me with very little free time. And what free time I did have, I spent sleeping.

It was a very taxing experience, being “Mr. No Days Off.” I don’t know how Darren Young does it.

I lost track of time. Everything just blended together as one long work day. I felt like I was on a terrible ride and I couldn’t get off.

But now, Pirate’s Cove is done for the season. As much as I’ll miss it, it’s nice to be able to have my weekends back.

And the timing couldn’t be better, as Regis is back home from his 12th different job. Now I can do everything I’ve missed out on the past couple months, like play poker and go golfing, or maybe stop by a bar to watch a game.

I feel like I’m a real person again. I can’t even express how happy I am right now. It’s all positive from here on out.

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Fantasy basketball

Song for losing track of what day it is

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Rangers vs. Blue Jays – 4:07 p.m. – FS1

The Blue Jays were able to stave off elimination for two straight games on the road. Hamels faces Stroman in the fifth and final game of the series.


The Playa Hater’s NHL Preview

The NHL season starts tonight, so you officially have something to watch if the baseball playoffs aren’t your thing. That also means we’re about a month away from the NBA starting up again, but we’ll deal with things one at a time for right now.

Here are my predicted standings for this season.

Atlantic Division

  1. Tampa Bay Lightning*
  2. Montreal Canadiens*
  3. Ottawa Senators*
  4. Detroit Red Wings*
  5. Boston Bruins
  6. Florida Panthers
  7. Toronto Maple Leafs
  8. Buffalo Sabres

Metropolitan Division

  1. New York Rangers*
  2. Washington Capitals*
  3. New York Islanders*
  4. Pittsburgh Penguins*
  5. Columbus Blue Jackets
  6. Philadelphia Flyers
  7. New Jersey Devils
  8. Carolina Hurricanes

Central Division

  1. St. Louis Blues*
  2. Chicago Blackhawks*
  3. Minnesota Wild*
  4. Nashville Predators*
  5. Winnipeg Jets*
  6. Dallas Stars
  7. Colorado Avalanche

Pacific Division

  1. Calgary Flames*
  2. Vancouver Canucks*
  3. Los Angeles Kings*
  4. Anaheim Ducks
  5. San Jose Sharks
  6. Edmonton Oilers
  7. Arizona Coyotes



Screenshot (1)

MVP: Carey Price

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Song for being honest, but also real

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Cubs vs. Pirates – 8:08 p.m. – TBS

Arrieta has dominated Pittsburgh this season, allowing only four runs in 36 innings. He faces Gerrit Cole tonight.

Canadians, ranked.

Happy Canada Day, everybody! In honor of this very important holiday, I’ve decided to bring you the definitive list of Canadians.

1. My Dad

2. James Naismith

3. Wayne Gretzky

4. Steve Nash

5. Bret Hart

6. Larry Walker

7. John Regis

8. Warren Moon for a few years

9. Celine Dion

10. Alex Trebek

11. Seth Rogan

12. Keanu Reeves

13. Shania Twain

14. Rob Ford

15. Ellen Paige

16. Joni Mitchell

T-17. All other Canadians

35,344,945. Scott, he’s a dick.

Enjoy the rest of your Canada Day!

Fallout 4 is in Boston, and that’s pretty cool

I’ll start this off by admitting that I’ve never played any of the Fallout games, and it’s more than likely that I never will. But that’s okay, because the internet is abuzz with the latest trailer for this post-apocalyptic franchise.

This time around, the featured city is Boston, which is neat because that’s close to where I live. It’s not as cool as The Crew (which features Old Orchard Beach) or Google Maps (which features my house), but it’s still kinda cool.

The best parts of the trailer are when they show Fenway Park. It is the city’s best landmark, after all. The old stadium looks pretty metal as a post-apocalyptic stronghold.

In all honesty, I think I prefer this version of Boston to the current version. There’s no way the traffic could be worse.

Here is my audition for WWE’s Tough Enough

Today, when I probably should have been applying for a real job or something, I was browsing WWE’s Tough Enough site looking for Dino Winwood’s video. I couldn’t find it, but that’s a post for another time. I don’t have time to delve into the anti-Dino conspiracy right now.

For those of you who don’t know, Tough Enough is a WWE reality show where contestants try out to be the next big WWE superstar or diva. Well, actually, they’ll probably just send you to NXT, but that’s where a lot of people want to go now, anyway.

So while I was searching for Popo Chan’s video, I saw a familiar face on the front page. It was Natasha Kirby! A few thoughts ran through my mind:

1. Woah, she has one of the most watched videos. Natasha could actually win this thing.

2. How can I parlay her success into possible employment for me?

What can I say? I’m a natural heel.

So I decided to record my own Tough Enough audition video. Here it is.

My hope is that they start up a Maine-based stable (called Maine Event, duh) where we bore the crowd with inane facts about the Pine Tree State. It would be awesome.

I don’t know how the selection process works or if there’s even a voting mechanic to this thing, but make sure you tag all of your tweets with #ToughEnough and #MatthewBourgault. I mean, you should probably use #NatashaKirby, because she actually has a shot of being picked.

But this isn’t about her, this is about me. Those divas can di-vacate the premises, brother.

I thought Stern did this already

Okay, I have to type this quickly to get it posted before the first match today. I mean, that means nothing to you because it’s not like you’re reading this in real time. That would be pretty weird.

So I was watching the game last night in bed sleeping and I saw woke up to see that the Clippers lost last night. “No big deal,” I thought. “Teams lose to the Spurs all the time.” When I saw how they lost, though, I was a little upset.

For those who don’t know, basket interference in the NBA is when you touch a ball that is directly over the rim. FIBA doesn’t have any rules regarding this, as long as the ball isn’t on its way down. In one of his final acts as commissioner, David Stern explored the idea of adopting the FIBA version of this rule.

At the time, I thought nothing of it. After seeing this play, though, I’d be inclined to agree with FIBA.

Allowing players to touch the ball above the rim would lead to a more exciting game. This is due to an increase in one of the best basketball plays, tip slams. Everyone loves a good tip slam.

But that’s not far enough. I say we eliminate the rule that says you can’t hang on to the rim. Robert Horry needs to be vindicated for having the greatest in-game dunk of all time waved off.


Russian Cup – Lokomotiv Moscow vs. Gazovik Orenburg – 9:30 – ESPN 3 – HL: 3.4

Russian Cup is a pretty lame name for a competition. Where’s the Putin Cup? That would be awesome. Every player gets to ride his own bear. That will show the capitalist swine who is boss.


MLB – Detroit Tigers vs. Minnesota Twins – 1:10 – MLBN – HL: 6.1

It’s entirely possible that, based on geography, you get Yankees-Rays on MLB Network instead. That’s okay because either game is better than more Russian soccer. That’s how you really feel, isn’t it? Why do you hate the motherland so?


EPL – Leicester City vs. Chelsea – 2:45 – NBCSN – HL: 5.9

Well now I’ve done it. The Lokomotiv game already started, and you weren’t able to read this in time. I feel so worthless. Please forgive me. I know this talk may seem a little “Inside Baseball” for you, but keep in mind that we’re actually talking about soccer.

Prime Time

NHL – Detroit Red Wings vs. Tampa Bay Lightning – 7:30 – NBCSN – HL: 8.7

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Awww, yeah! Another game 7, this time without any wild Kronwalls running around. You can’t trust those Kronwalls. You turn your head for one second, and then bam! You’re flat on your back. With a concussion. And probably CTE. Head injuries are terrible.

Late Night

NBA – Portland Trail Blazers vs. Memphis Grizzlies – 9:30 – TNT – HL: 8.5

I actually didn’t have a problem with the Rockets tweeting that they were shooting the Mavericks in the head. That’s the kind of competitive violence I can get behind. If the Grizzlies can close out Portland tonight, I want them to tweet in graphic detail that they are torturing the Trail Blazers first. Memphis is “The Grindhouse,” after all.


Buffalo is Shady

Just when the NFL was out of sight and out of mind, two teams dropped a bomb. Buffalo sent former PFWA Defensive Rookie of the Year Kiko Alonso to Philadelphia for 2013 Matt Bourgault’s Fantasy Team MVP LeSean McCoy.

Early reports are saying that Alonso wanted out of Buffalo, and not a lot of people would blame him. Willis McGahee has gone on record criticizing Buffalo as boring.

Not surprisingly, McCoy doesn’t seem too happy about the move. But don’t fret, Shady, one former Buffalo running back thinks Buffalo is a lot of fun.

Just make sure you watch out for pedestrians.

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Trail Blazers vs. Clippers – 10:30 – ESPN

The Clippers have the second best offense in the country, and both teams have won three straight games.

PICK: Trail Blazers.


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