The Playa Hater’s NBA Preview

Hello, everyone! I’m back to lead you astray with another season preview. This time, I’m talking about basketball.

That video is ridiculous.

On a more serious note, professional basketball has a unique distinction among the major american sports. It’s almost fluke-proof. Better teams will win games based entirely on the premise that they are better. There’s nothing to change a game dramatically like a touchdown, home run, or goal. The game centers around a large sample size of possessions.

That being said, my predictions are going to look a lot like last year’s standings. It’s just the nature of the beast. I need you to remember that I’ll probably be wrong, though.

Atlantic Division

  1. Toronto Raptors*
  2. Boston Celtics*
  3. Brooklyn Nets
  4. Philadelphia 76ers
  5. New York Knicks

The Atlantic is a lot like the Northwest, in that it’s a weak division that will only yield two playoff teams. The Celtics show signs of improvement, which means they’ll inexplicably finish fighting the Detroit Pistons for the last playoff spot.

Central Division

  1. Cleveland Cavaliers*
  2. Chicago Bulls*
  3. Milwaukee Bucks*
  4. Indiana Pacers*
  5. Detroit Pistons

I like Indiana to make the playoffs. I think getting Paul George back will give them a leg to stand on.

Southeast Division

  1. Atlanta Hawks*
  2. Washington Wizards*
  3. Miami Heat
  4. Charlotte Hornets
  5. Orlando Magic

If the NBA preseason means anything, the Charlotte Hornets will win the championship. The NBA preseason does not mean anything.

Northwest Division

  1. Portland Trail Blazers*
  2. Oklahoma City Thunder*
  3. Utah Jazz
  4. Denver Nuggets
  5. Minnesota Timberwolves

Maybe I believe in Damian Lillard too much. Maybe I don’t trust the Thunder to stay healthy. Maybe I just wanted to throw in one crazy prediction so I could point to it if it hits. No one knows.

Pacific Division

  1. Golden State Warriors*
  2. Los Angeles Clippers*
  3. Phoenix Suns
  4. Sacramento Kings
  5. Los Angeles Lakers

I don’t think there’s anything I like more than the Lakers being awful.

Southwest Division

  1. San Antonio Spurs*
  2. Houston Rockets*
  3. Memphis Grizzlies*
  4. Dallas Mavericks*
  5. New Orleans Pelicans

Poor Pelicans. I just don’t think they can stay healthy enough to get back into the playoffs.

Playoffs

Screenshot (2)

MVP: James Harden

Song for making you google “Jose Feliciano”

Was wrestling good last night?

Yes.

Get Hype Game of the Night

Ravens vs. Cardinals – 8:30 p.m. – ESPN

The Cardinals lead the NFC in scoring. Both teams lost their last game.

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Crying is hard, and other sad details about my life

I debated for a long time about whether or not I wanted to open up and write about this today. I know that just last week I was writing about how everything was going well for me, and that the world was going to be sunshine and rainbows from here on out. But life is just not that easy when you have an inferiority complex.

I struggle a lot with self-doubt, and sometimes that’s all it takes to bring a person down. I do my best to try and cover up when I’m feeling this way . I try to use humor to keep people from noticing that I’m lost and scared and these jokes are just a cry for help and blah blah blah blah blah.

Yesterday wasn’t that bad. I actually think I did a good job at work. What I couldn’t escape though, was this constant fear that maybe I was a detriment to the people both at work and in my life. This fear was so great that I reached a full-blown hatred of myself by the time I got to the parking lot.

“So,” I thought, “maybe it would be cathartic to have a bit of a cry on the way home.” I hopped in my vehicle, put on some DMX (The Great Depression album, obviously), and tried to make water come out of my face. It didn’t go very well. All I really managed to do was obscure my vision for much of the drive home.

You can add “crying” to the list of things I’m not very good at.

I did get one tear out, though, which vastly improved my mood because I felt like Denzel Washington.

What I’m trying to say, the point I’m trying to make, is that with all the misery I put myself through every single day, nothing makes me more upset than the fact that the Los Angeles Clippers are going to play an entire NBA season with these uniforms.

They are just hideous.

Link for you to click on

Fantasy Basketball

Song for after you dig into your soul to write a “Clippers have bad uniforms” joke

Get Hype Game of the Night!

Blue Jays vs. Royals – 8:07 p.m. – FS1

David Price has lost all of his career playoff starts. He’ll try to end that curse tonight against Ventura.

All aboard the Star Wars hype train

This trailer dropped last night during halftime of a brutal Monday Night Football game. Immediately, movie ticket websites were crashing or bogged down. I even saw the hype in the newsroom.

People who don’t even care about football were glued to ESPN. I overheard a conversation about whether or not Boba Fett died inside the sarlacc. Our floor director was jumping up and down when the trailer finally aired.

The hype for the newest Star Wars movie is certainly real, but the question is, “Am I hyped?” It’s fair to say that I don’t get hype about very many things. In fact, I can only think of one trailer that got me really, truly, hype.

That’s not to say this trailer isn’t good. In fact it showed me the things I wanted to see. Ever since the second teaser showed a giant, crashed star destroyer, I was hoping someone would explore the ship. Right off the bat in this trailer, we see our protagonist exploring the ship.

I’m also excited to see where the story goes, but not to the point of actively looking for information. I’ve kind of been avoiding information because I just want to see it on the screen. I guess I’ve changed a lot since the days of endlessly researching the backstory of Cloverfield (Where is our sequel?).

Overall, I’d say I’m excited, but I won’t be hyped until Lando shows up.

Link for you to click on

Fantasy basketball

Song that has nothing to do with Star Wars

Was wrestling good last night?

No.

Get Hype Game of the Night!

Mets vs. Cubs – 8:07 p.m. – TBS

The Mets have lost seven straight games at Wrigley Field. deGrom is facing Hendricks tonight.

I want to be Jose Bautista when I grow up

I can’t stop watching this clip. Jose Bautista must have the Infinity Gauntlet, because he has complete mastery over time, space, mind, soul, reality, and power. Mostly power.

The game might have been played in Toronto, but I think the ball landed somewhere near Dallas. In 1963. That home run broke space time and killed JFK. You can see it on the director’s cut of the Zapruder film.

He smoked that ball. I’m serious. Jose Bautista hit a ball so hard that it took on a gaseous form. And then he watched it. You can see his eternal monologue. “Man, I just did something really cool, but I should probably call Bill Nye and tell him that I can alter matter.”

A lot of people focus on the bat flip, but the stare really does it for me. Nothing says “I’m a better person than you” like staring a hole into a pitcher after sending his life’s work into orbit.

Not to say the bat flip wasn’t great as well. It was a dismissive, non-verbal way for Bautista to let Sam Dyson know that he’s not even worthy of belonging to the same species as Joey Bats. It reminded me of when Jordan put my boy Harold Miner in his place.

Vicious. In all seriousness, though, The Blue Jays, Jose Bautista, and his Joe Budden facial hair are going to win this whole thing. Might as well enjoy the ride.

Link for you to click on

Fantasy basketball

Song for looking like Joey Bats

Get Hype Game of the Night

Mets vs. Dodgers – 8:07 p.m. – TBS

Mets are trying to clinch their first NLCS bid since 2000. Greinke taking on deGrom.

Everything’s coming up Milhouse

I’ve been in a funk for the last two months. Dealing with this new job, while still working at Pirate’s Cove, left me with very little free time. And what free time I did have, I spent sleeping.

It was a very taxing experience, being “Mr. No Days Off.” I don’t know how Darren Young does it.

I lost track of time. Everything just blended together as one long work day. I felt like I was on a terrible ride and I couldn’t get off.

But now, Pirate’s Cove is done for the season. As much as I’ll miss it, it’s nice to be able to have my weekends back.

And the timing couldn’t be better, as Regis is back home from his 12th different job. Now I can do everything I’ve missed out on the past couple months, like play poker and go golfing, or maybe stop by a bar to watch a game.

I feel like I’m a real person again. I can’t even express how happy I am right now. It’s all positive from here on out.

Link for you to click on

Fantasy basketball

Song for losing track of what day it is

Get Hype Game of the Night!

Rangers vs. Blue Jays – 4:07 p.m. – FS1

The Blue Jays were able to stave off elimination for two straight games on the road. Hamels faces Stroman in the fifth and final game of the series.

The Playa Hater’s NHL Preview

The NHL season starts tonight, so you officially have something to watch if the baseball playoffs aren’t your thing. That also means we’re about a month away from the NBA starting up again, but we’ll deal with things one at a time for right now.

Here are my predicted standings for this season.

Atlantic Division

  1. Tampa Bay Lightning*
  2. Montreal Canadiens*
  3. Ottawa Senators*
  4. Detroit Red Wings*
  5. Boston Bruins
  6. Florida Panthers
  7. Toronto Maple Leafs
  8. Buffalo Sabres

Metropolitan Division

  1. New York Rangers*
  2. Washington Capitals*
  3. New York Islanders*
  4. Pittsburgh Penguins*
  5. Columbus Blue Jackets
  6. Philadelphia Flyers
  7. New Jersey Devils
  8. Carolina Hurricanes

Central Division

  1. St. Louis Blues*
  2. Chicago Blackhawks*
  3. Minnesota Wild*
  4. Nashville Predators*
  5. Winnipeg Jets*
  6. Dallas Stars
  7. Colorado Avalanche

Pacific Division

  1. Calgary Flames*
  2. Vancouver Canucks*
  3. Los Angeles Kings*
  4. Anaheim Ducks
  5. San Jose Sharks
  6. Edmonton Oilers
  7. Arizona Coyotes

Playoffs

 

Screenshot (1)

MVP: Carey Price

Link for you to click on

Fantasy Basketball

Song for being honest, but also real

Get Hype Game of the Night!

Cubs vs. Pirates – 8:08 p.m. – TBS

Arrieta has dominated Pittsburgh this season, allowing only four runs in 36 innings. He faces Gerrit Cole tonight.

The Playa Hater’s MLB Playoff Preview

Yes, Red Sox fans, the MLB playoffs start tonight. I know, I was surprised too.

Tonight (and this is a spoiler alert for the Get Hype Game of the Night), the Astros travel to New York for the AL Wild Card Game, officially beginning the postseason. In order to get you ready for next month of baseball that actually matters, I’m going to give you my predictions.

Feel free to take these to the bookie of your choice.

AL Wild Card Game – Astros vs. Yankees

It’s unfortunate that the second and third-best teams in the MLB, forget just the AL, have to play each other so early. And I’m serious about this. There are four teams in the AL playoffs I would take over the best team in the NL. You want to see the Cardinals in a competitive World Series? Bring in the Orioles.

Anyway, as for this game, I like the Astros too much to see them bounced this early. Houston wins a 1-run game on the road to advance.

Pick: Houston

NL Wild Card Game – Cubs vs. Pirates

The NL this season was all about the Central Division. Everything else was just a side story. So, instead of these teams getting to face each other later, we have to knock one out right now. Pittsburgh hangs on at home for a 1-run victory.

Pick: Pittsburgh

AL Divisional Round – Rangers vs. Blue Jays – Astros vs. Royals

I’m not sure there’s ever been a top seed more under-the-radar than the Royals. And you know what? I’m completely OK with that. The Royals can stay under the radar with their small ball shenanigans. I want to watch people hit home runs and flip bats.

Pick: Houston in 4

The other series is easily the most lopsided match-up in these playoffs. This is going to be a massacre.

Pick: Toronto in 3

NL Divisional Round – Pirates vs. Cardinals – Mets vs. Dodgers

We get the NLCS a little early this season. The Cardinals are a boring lot, which is why it’s going to hurt me to put them in the World Series.

Pick: St. Louis in 4

In the second NL Divisional series, we get what will probably be the most competitive series of the whole playoffs. I see the Dodgers having the slight edge because of the two aces they have.

Pick: Los Angeles in 5

AL Championship Series – Astros vs. Blue Jays

Oh yeah. This is what baseball is all about. The two best teams in the league slugging it out in a long and entertaining series. Well, at least an entertaining series. Toronto is really good at baseball.

Pick: Toronto in 4

NL Championship Series – Dodgers vs. Cardinals

Stupid Cardinals. I hope some other team can give them their comeuppance in the World Series.

Pick: St. Louis in 4

World Series – Cardinals vs. Blue Jays

This is a battle of the two birds that your mom will call you over to look at every time she sees one. And much like those birds, the opportunity to watch this series will be over before you know it.

Pick: Toronto in 4

Link for you to click on

Fantasy Basketball

Song for partying with a drunk Kawasaki

Was wrestling good last night?

Yes.

Get Hype Game of the Night!

Astros vs. Yankees – 8:00 – ESPN

Dallas Keuchel is going up against Tanaka on short rest.