I have been a Kanye West fan for most of my life.

I can still remember the first time I heard “Through the Wire” on WRED in 2003. The pitched-up Chaka Khan sample and the honest lyrics made me an instant fan.

(Little did I know that I was already a Kanye West fan, I just didn’t know he produced “Izzo” at the time.)

Ever since that day, I’ve always been on the lookout for new music by Mr. West.

So on Friday, when Kanye dropped JESUS IS KING, I knew I had to give it a listen right away and share my thoughts with the internet.

Before we get started, I think it’s important to mention that this is a gospel rap album. Note that I didn’t say gospel-inspired, like The Life of Pablo. This is straight-up Christian rap.

And that’s OK.

Kanye has always made his faith in Jesus a core part of his music, and I accept it just like when I listen to DMX talk about God or Rakim rap about the teachings of the Five-Percent Nation.

So I’m going to take you through a track-by-track analysis of JESUS IS KING, as requested by a few people on Twitter. Luckily for me, the album is only 11 tracks long.

And I guess that might be my first complaint.

Call me washed, but I miss the days of 20-track, hour-long albums with months of promotional singles on the radio.

Now that we have these haphazard, online “playlists,” I feel like music has a lack of polish. Maybe I’m just being a shill for the record labels, who knows?

Anyway, let’s get started.

Every Hour

Analysis: This track is listed as “feat. Sunday Service Choir,” but it’s really just the choir. What you’re getting here is about two minutes of a choir singing, no Kanye (at least vocally). For what it is, it’s fine. The choir is upbeat, and their singing is objectively good, but there’s not much more than that.

Verdict: 3/5

Selah

Analysis: This is a very good track that just seems like it’s a satisfying conclusion away from being a classic. For nearly three minutes, Kanye continues to build tension on this song. It starts with the dramatic organs and Kanye’s passionate bars. Then the thundering drums come in about 50 seconds in, followed by the choir. It’s almost anxiety-inducing as the listener feels like their being hurtled towards a climax. Unfortunately, I feel like the track stops before we get there.

Verdict: 4/5

Follow God

Analysis: I really wish Kanye would slow down and take his time with this one. It features this beautiful sample of a 1974 Whole Truth song, and I think the song would have benefited from the sample being used as a hook. It’s not that Kanye’s verse is bad or anything, I’m just a big proponent of traditional song structure. I know it’s hard to do that in under two minutes, but maybe that means we shouldn’t be making two-minute songs.

Verdict: 3/5

Closed On Sunday

Analysis: This song was doomed from the concept. Saying “you’re my Chick-Fil-a” sounds more like a parody of a song than an actual track on an album.  There are some musical elements that might make this age a little better in time, but as of right now, it’s a dud. The last “Chick-Fil-a!” was the clincher.

Verdict: 1/5

On God

Analysis: Listen, I feel like you’re going to hear me say this a lot, but this track is in desperate need of a hook. I like the Super Nintendo-esque instrumental, but this song would be infinitely better if you put someone like Keri Hilson in there to sing a chorus. The rapper/R&B singer collab is still the gold standard of music, and this just sounds like a missed opportunity.

Verdict: 3/5

Everything We Need

Analysis: Kanye’s bars are by far the worst part of this song. If he could’ve given me more Ty Dolla $ign and less “What if Eve made apple juice?” I would have been on board. As it stands though, I can only recommend three 20-second snippets here.

Verdict: 2/5

Water

Analysis: This is another song where we could have done without Kanye’s verse in the middle. The choir is great. Ant Clemons is great. The sample of Bruce Haak’s “Blow Job” is great. What’s lacking is Yeezy just phoning in a couple of rhymes about Jesus. Religious bars aren’t inherently bad, we know this from “Jesus Walks,” but this verse is straight-up filler in a sea of better musical elements.

Verdict: 3/5

God Is

Analysis: Once again, the production does the heavy lifting here. The sample this time is a 1979 track by Rev. James Cleveland and The Southern California Community Choir. And despite how much Kanye needs a throat lozenge, his crackling voice isn’t enough to hold this song back. This is a good start to the section of JESUS IS KING that has actual song-length songs.

Verdict: 4/5

Hands On

Analysis: This track is OK. The production is OK, the vocals are OK. It’s not great or offensive. Actually, now that a think about it, I should mention that I think Kanye’s rhymes are better that the production here. It’s only right, considering I brought it up on the other songs.

Verdict: 3/5

Use This Gospel

Analysis: This is unquestionably the best song on the album. It achieves what only the best religious works can, forcing me to have a spiritual moment while I experience it. There is so much to this track that makes it stand out. Kanye uses the human voice as an instrument better than any other producer in the game, including his own. Mr. West is not a great singer, but he is more than capable on this hook. Then we have the Clipse. Boy, do I love the Clipse! I’ve always praised Pusha T and (No) Malice for their ability to avid throwaway bars in their rhymes. Every Clipse verse features cohesive sentences, which is truly admirable when you consider how much filler goes into song writing. Pusha T is first, a GOOD Music staple who has been operating as Kanye’s soldier. Here, he avoids traditional coke bars to repent, although he does mention feds raiding his residence. Then we have No Malice, who left his brother earlier this decade when he found God. While the breakup of the Clipse was a blow to music, you can tell that Malice always wanted to make a positive change in his life. It’s great to have him back on this song, and he even threw in a rhyme about cocaine for good measure! But wait, there’s more! Kenny G shows up to serenade your ears with a solo. I’m not making this up. Throw in a dope beat, and you have a Kanye classic.

Verdict: 5/5

Jesus Is Lord

Analysis: This actually sounds like a great intro to a song, but it just kind of cuts off at the end of the album. It’s 50 seconds of potential, so I have a hard time placing it on a scale. It’s good for what it is, though.

Verdict: 3/5

Final Thoughts

Overall, this was an average album. It’s not going down as Kanye’s best, but it did give us Kenny G and the return of the Clipse. That’s got to be worth something.

Final Verdict: 62%

The NFL season is finally upon us, and that means I’m back to lead you astray with some awful predictions for 2019.

I combed through each team’s schedule, week-by-week, to incorrectly pick winners and losers. It took way longer than I was prepared for.

So strap in, folks. I’m sure you’ll find something in here to yell at me about.

AFC East

1. New England Patriots (12-4)

Analysis: The defending Super Bowl champions will be good again, and that’s probably the easiest prediction anyone can make. The Patriots have been to the Super Bowl the last three years, and I see no reason why they can’t make it back. All in all, this is a fairly boring paragraph.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Julian Edelman, WR

Player to watch in football fantasies: Tom Brady, Gorgeous Old Man

Fun Fact: While this team is named the Patriots, real patriots are football fans who stand for the flag and kneel for the cross.

2. Miami Dolphins (8-8)

Analysis: The Dolphins are widely picked to be the worst team in football this year. I honestly don’t think they’ll be that bad. Miami gets the benefit of playing the Bills and Jets twice a year, and they also inexplicably beat the Patriots seemingly every year. Led by Ryan Fitzpatrick, the Dolphins are a bad team that you can feel good about rooting for.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Kenyan Drake, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: DeVante Parker, Louisville Looker

Fun Fact: A team of actual Dolphins would be pretty bad at football, unless it was played in the water. 

3. New York Jets (6-10)

Analysis: The J-E-T-S (JETS! JETS! JETS!) made a major improvement at running back, signing rapper Le’Veon Bell for the upcoming season. I think Sam Darnold get better this season, but it’s hard to believe the Jets will be anything better than hot garbage.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Le’Veon Bell, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Sam Darnold, Werewolf-Vampire Hybrid

Fun Fact: The New York Jets wear green because most airplanes are green.

4. Buffalo Bills (6-10)

Analysis: The Buffalo Bills are not only a bad football team, they have played a major role in American politics. In 2014, then-reality TV star Donald Trump wanted to buy the team. If he had been successful, the world would probably be a much different place. They still have the best fans in football, though.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Devin Singletary, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Jordan Poyer, Sultry Safety

Fun Fact: Buffalo Bill was a real man, and his life story was used for the 1991 biopic “The Silence of the Lambs.”

AFC North

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (14-2)

Analysis: A lot of analysts see the Steelers suffering a downturn after losing top wideout Antonio Brown in the offseason. I, on the other hand, marvel at how easy Pittsburgh’s schedule looks on paper. There isn’t a team on there that I think they can’t beat. I think the Steelers have a wonderful season before flaming out in the divisional round of the playoffs.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: James Conner, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Vance McDonald, Tight End

Fun Fact: The Steelers only have their logo on the right side of their helmets as part of their commitment to never sign left-handed players.

2. Baltimore Ravens (8-8)

Analysis: I believe in Lamar Jackson! I loved watching him play in Louisville, and I think he can become a successful pro. Not too successful, though. Maybe like, half-successful, half-unsuccessful, but still playoff-qualified thanks to tiebreakers.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Mark Ingram II, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Justin Tucker, Kicker with Golden Pipes

Fun Fact: Ravens look like big crows.

3. Cincinnati Bengals (7-9)

Analysis: The Bengals are a tragic franchise forever wallowing in obscurity. They refuse to blow the team up and start over, so I can’t reward them with a bad enough record to get a good draft pick.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Joe Mixon, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Andy Dalton, King of the Gingers

Fun Fact: Bengal tigers are found on the Indian subcontinent, more than 8,000 miles away from Cincinnati.

4. Cleveland Browns (5-11)

Analysis: I don’t believe in the Cleveland Browns. I don’t believe in the Cleveland Indians. I don’t believe in the Cleveland Cavaliers. Cleveland is a city of losing sports teams that has somehow captured the nation’s spotlight. I can’t wait to watch the Browns disappoint again.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Nick Chubb, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Baker Mayfield, White Guy who can Dance

Fun Fact: Cleveland’s helmets are orange, not brown.

AFC South

1. Indianapolis Colts (9-7)

Analysis: The Colts are facing more adversity than any other team going into the season. Their longtime starting quarterback, Andrew Luck, retired just weeks before Week 1.  Luckily, Indianapolis has my boys Jacoby Brissett (who has a cannon) and Brian Hoyer ready to take over. In a weak division, I think the Colts can still pull it out.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Marlon Mack, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Jacoby Brissett, First on the Depth Chart and in my Heart

Fun Fact: Vice President Mike Pence occasionally attends Indianapolis Colts games, only to leave before kickoff.

2. Houston Texans (8-8)

Analysis: The Texans feature one of the most exciting young quarterbacks in football, as well as the game’s best receiver and defensive end. All signs point to a team that should be successful, but I’ve never been able to trust them. I’ve never watched a football game and thought, “Wow, the Texans look like actual contenders.” They’re just “meh.”

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: DeAndre Hopkins, WR

Player to watch in football fantasies: Will Fuller V, Dreadlocked Dreamboat

Fun Fact: Despite the name, not everyone on Houston is from Texas.

3. Tennessee Titans (7-9)

Analysis: Another young team going virtually nowhere, the Titans have to make a decision soon as to whether Marcus Mariota is going to be “the guy” they want to try to win a Super Bowl with. So far, I feel like he’s been underwhelming, which means he fits in perfectly well with the rest of the teams in this division.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Derrick Henry, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Derrick Henry, Big Burly Boy

Fun Fact: The Titans were antagonists in the 1997 documentary “Hercules.”

4. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11)

Analysis: Despite having the best nickname in football, Nick Foles will not be able to turn around the Jaguars’ fortunes by himself. Their defense is still one of the best in the league, but an anemic offense has been holding them back. I just don’t think they’ve done enough to overcome that weakness.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Leonard Fournette, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Nick Foles, BDN

Fun Fact: Jaguars are bigger than most house cats.

AFC West

1. Los Angeles Chargers (10-6)

Analysis: This is the year the Los Angeles Chargers ascend back to the top of the AFC West. The Chargers might be starting without star running back Melvin Gordon, but they have the pieces to overcome that deficiency. They will be able to keep the Chiefs at bay during the regular season.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Keenan Allen, WR

Player to watch in football fantasies: Philip Rivers, Fertile Goober

Fun Fact: Unable to find a football stadium in Los Angeles to play in, the Chargers will return to playing in an American Legion bingo hall in Reseda.

2. Kansas City Chiefs (9-7)

Analysis: The Chiefs have built one of the most formidable offensive attacks the NFL has seen in years. Their defense is still less than impressive. If Pat Mahomes regresses the way I expect him to, the Chiefs will be on the road throughout their playoff run.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Travis Kelce, TE

Player to watch in football fantasies: Patrick Mahomes, Human Kermit

Fun Fact: The Tomahawk Chop is still racist.

3. Denver Broncos (6-10)

Analysis: After years of being elite(?) in Baltimore, Joe Flacco is going to try to apply his craft in the Mile High City. The thin air may help him throw the ball 80 yards in hopes of drawing a pass interference penalty. It won’t help them win football games, though.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Phillip Lindsay, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Von Miller, Deodorant Pitchman

Fun Fact: The city of Denver is named after American singer-songwriter John Denver.

4. Oakland Raiders (5-11)

Analysis: Featured on HBO’s Hard Knocks, the Oakland Raiders are going to have high expectations placed on them by casual fans. However, the team is still rebuilding. The addition of Antonio Brown is nice, but this squad needs much more.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Antonio Brown, WR

Player to watch in football fantasies: Antonio Brown, All-around Fantasy Stud

Fun Fact: In Oakland, the whistles go “Wooo!”

NFC East

1. Dallas Cowboys (11-5)

Analysis: How ’bout them Cowboys? With Ezekiel Elliott signing a massive extension, the Cowboys are primed and ready to dominate their division. Dallas was worlds better last season after they added Amari Cooper, and if Dak and company stay healthy, the Cowboys will be hosting playoff games this season.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Ezekiel Elliott, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Dak Prescott, Dashing Dak

Fun Fact: The Cowboys are considered “America’s team” despite playing half their games in one city.

2. Philadelphia Eagles (9-7)

Analysis: I have a soft spot for the Eagles, despite my general disdain for the people of Philadelphia. Carson Wentz has proven himself to be a quality NFL quarterback, but he has some durability issues. Without a guarantee that Wentz will be able to stay healthy, I can’t fully back the birds.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Zach Ertz, TE

Player to watch in football fantasies: Carson Wentz, Gritty with a Shave

Fun Fact: Philadelphia is the sixth largest city in the U.S. Neat.

3. New York Giants (6-10)

Analysis: The Giants puzzled many pundits when they drafted decidedly white quarterback Daniel Jones out of Duke as the eventual replacement for Eli Manning. At this point, you might as well throw him into the fire now. Things can’t get much worse in New York.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Saquon Barkley, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Eli Manning, Simple Man

Fun Fact: The Giants actually play in New Jersey, not New York.

4. Washington Redskins (5-11)

Analysis: Things can get worse in Washington, however. Washington has nothing that excites me. They’re starting Case Keenum over promising rookie Dwayne Haskins! The Redskins may not win a game.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Derrius Guice, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Dwayne Haskins, Baby-faced Baller

Fun Fact: Washington somehow makes the Chiefs less racist.

NFC North

1. Minnesota Vikings (11-5)

Analysis: The Minnesota Vikings will go as far as anyone other than Kirk Cousins will take them, which is actually good news for Vikings fans. The supporting cast around Cousins is extremely talented. I expect the Vikings to win a hotly contested NFC North.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Dalvin Cook, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Stefon Diggs, Miracle Man

Fun Fact: While vikings did travel to the North American continent, they never made it to Minnesota.

2. Chicago Bears (10-6)

Analysis: The Bears will be the most tragic story of the NFL season. Bolstered by an incredible defense, Chicago will compile an impressive 10-6 record. However, due to tiebreakers, I don’t think they will make the playoffs. It’s a real shame.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: David Montgomery, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Smokin’ Jay Cutler, Then, Now and Forever

Fun Fact: Bears are a top-tier animal, and should be respected as such.

3. Detroit Lions (8-8)

Analysis: Poor Detroit. The Tigers are awful. The Pistons are mediocre. I don’t even care about the Red Wings enough to look up how they did last season. So here we have the Lions, a consensus pick to finish last in the division. Well, I’m not going to do that. Detroit will have a magical season that ends with a final win over Green Bay to seal third place.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Kerryon Johnson, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Marvin Jones Jr., Sweet Second Fiddle

Fun Fact: I originally wrote “Tigers” in the headline for this section, because Detroit sports teams are interchangeable.

4. Green Bay Packers (7-9)

Analysis: Aaron Rodgers is one of the most talented quarterbacks in NFL history. He’s also made of paper mache. Not good paper mache, either. The kind I would make in art class. What I’m trying to say is that I was never good at art class.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Devante Adams, WR

Player to watch in football fantasies: Aaron Rodgers, Mustache Man

Fun Fact: The only thing worse than one NFL owner is 360,760 of them.

NFC South

1. Atlanta Falcons (11-5)

Analysis: After a disappointing season, the Falcons are ready to return to form. The NFC South is the toughest division in football, with three legitimate contenders. I think they all make the playoffs, with the Falcons eeking out first place. Because they play in Atlanta, though, the playoffs won’t be kind to them.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Julio Jones, WR

Player to watch in football fantasies: Vic Beasley, Goateed Gentleman

Fun Fact: Mercedes-Benz Stadium features a Chick-Fil-A, but they’re still closed on Sundays.

2. Carolina Panthers (10-6)

Analysis: I may be alone here, but I have BIG expectations for the Panthers this season. Armed with the best arsenal of weapons he’s had all career, Cam Newton will return to his MVP form. I don’t want to spoil anything, but let’s say I have Carolina going very far this season.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Christian McCaffrey, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Cam Newton, Hatted Hunk

Fun Fact: Whenever I see the Carolina Panthers logo, I immediately think of Jake Delhomme. It’s automatic.

3. New Orleans Saints (10-6)

Analysis: I like the Saints. I like the players, and I like the way they play. The annoying thing around the franchise right now is that fans are still whining about a blown pass interference call in last year’s NFC Championship Game. I get it. That sucks. What will help ease the pain is another playoff run this season.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Alvin Kamara, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Alvin Kamara, Speedster with a Septum Piercing

Fun Fact: The Saints don’t actually march into football stadiums. That’s a common misconception.

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-11)

Analysis: Tampa Bay is hoping to adopt a new identity this season. Coach Bruce Arians wants to air the ball out, and the Bucs have the weapons to do that. All that remains is for Jameis Winston to get his act together and lead this team out of the basement.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Mike Evans, WR

Player to watch in football fantasies: Mike Evans, Tall Glass of Water

Fun Fact: The seats for Raymond James Stadium were once made in Maine, I think. Something like that. I didn’t research this.

NFC West

1. Los Angeles Rams (10-6)

Analysis: Last year’s Super Bowl runner-ups look poised to be contenders again this season. Quarterback Jared Goff signed a huge extension, relieving the kind of headache that Dallas may be going through during the season. The only issue is that their star running back has an arthritic knee. That’s not what you want.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Todd Gurley II, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Jared Goff, Rich Young Man

Fun Fact: The Rams indecision on a color scheme really infuriates me.

2. Seattle Seahawks (8-8)

Analysis: 9/11 truther Pete Carroll and his robot quarterback hope to regain the winning form Seattle has enjoyed most of this decade. The issue is I feel like Russell Wilson has never had fewer weapons. The Seahawks have mediocre written all over them.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: Tyler Lockett, WR

Player to watch in football fantasies: Russell Wilson, Quarterback of Christ

Fun Fact: Most Seattle Seahawk fans were born in 2012, no matter how old they are.

3. Arizona Cardinals (7-9)

Analysis: I am all in on the Kyler Murray show. The Cardinals will be surprisingly not awful this season. One has to question Murray’s decision making, though. The kid could be playing baseball instead of being hit by 300-pound men for a living. Maybe he just hates Oakland.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: David Johnson, RB

Player to watch in football fantasies: Kliff Kingsbury, Not a Player, but Probably a Player

Fun Fact: The Arizona Cardinals used to be the St. Louis Cardinals, which must have been confusing. There are other birds, you guys.

4. San Francisco 49ers (3-13)

Analysis: The San Fransisco 49ers are my pick to be the worst team in the NFL, possibly because I need to wrap up this preview before work. Just imagine I explained why they’ll be so bad.

Player to watch in Fantasy Football: George Kittle, TE

Player to watch in football fantasies: Jimmy Garoppolo, Jimmy G-orgeous

Fun Fact: The Golden Gate Bridge is not actually gold.

Wild Card games

Chargers (3) over Ravens (6), Chiefs (5) over Colts (4)

Saints (6) over Falcons (3), Panthers (5) over Rams (4)

Divisional Round

Chiefs (5) over Steelers (1), Patriots (2) over Chargers (3)

Cowboys (1) over Saints (6), Panthers (5) over Vikings (2)

Conference Championships

Patriots (2) over Chiefs (5)

Panthers (5) over Cowboys (1)

Super Bowl LIV

Panthers 33, Patriots 30

• This is an apartment, not the whole castle
• Washer/dryer in the unit, with an extra dryer for fun
• No smoking inside, it’s the only rule
• A fine selection of free parking spaces
• Unnecessary jacuzzi tub
• You get your own room!

I’m seeking a roommate for a two-bedroom apartment above Martel’s Ice Cream on Route 1 in Saco.

The $600 a month rent covers all utilities except internet/cable, but we’re still talking less than $700 a month here.

Your room is right near the front door, in case you need to escape from a ghost or something.

The room has a scenic view of Splashtown, U.S.A.

I’m pretty sure it has hardwood floors, but I’m not certain because Andy says I’m not allowed in there.

The bedroom has it’s own door to a shared bathroom, featuring both the world’s largest tub and smallest shower.

I work the night shift, so you probably won’t see me much, but I’ll try to keep the noise down when I come home.

Move-in date would be in October.

It’s been four long years, but now it’s finally time for most Americans to pretend to be casual soccer fans again.

Unfortunately for them (and the executives at FOX) the United States failed to qualify for the World Cup this year.

Don’t fret, though! I’ve decided to put together a guide to help you pick a new favorite team to tell other people you’re rooting for.

The first match kicks off Thursday at 11:00 a.m. EST.

Group A

1. Uruguay

KNOWN FOR: Being in South America

FUN SOCCER MAN: Luis Suarez

PREDICTION: Uruguay is an incredibly talented squad with some of the best forwards on the planet. They’re led by Edinson Cavani and the always controversial (and sometimes racist) Luis Suarez. They will go as far as Suarez can take them before biting someone.

2. Egypt

KNOWN FOR: Pyramids, Mummies

FUN SOCCER MAN: Mohamed Salah

PREDICTION: Mo Salah spent this past season being one of the best players in the world and leading Liverpool to an appearance in the UEFA Champions League Final. Unfortunately, he suffered a separated shoulder in that match after Sergio Ramos pulled his arm out of its socket. If Salah is healthy, Egypt can get out of the group.

3. Russia

KNOWN FOR: Meddling in U.S. elections

FUN SOCCER MAN: Vladimir Putin

PREDICTION: Russia won’t make it out of the group, but it will be fun to watch how the host nation behaves while the eyes of the world are on them. The United States won’t be paying attention, but hey, maybe some of our friends will let us know what’s going on.

4. Saudi Arabia

KNOWN FOR: Oil money, Not letting women do things

FUN SOCCER MAN: Mohammad Al-Sahlawi

PREDICTION: Saudi Arabia is not very good at soccer. They will not win a match.

Group B

1. Morocco

KNOWN FOR: Being that section of Epcot with all of the Aladdin stuff

FUN SOCCER MAN: Medhi Benatia

PREDICTION: The expert consensus is that Group B is the easiest one to predict. Spain and Portugal are supposed to easily run through this group. I reject this notion, and look for their neighbor, Morocco, to shock the world.

2. Portugal

KNOWN FOR: Being confused with Spain

FUN SOCCER MAN: Cristiano Ronaldo

PREDICTION: Look at Ronaldo. He’s so handsome. How can someone like that even exist? I’m in awe.

3. Spain

KNOWN FOR: Siestas, Not participating in World Wars

FUN SOCCER MAN: Sergio Ramos

PREDICTION: One of the best parts of any international competition is watching a world power completely shit its pants. Here’s hoping Spain can follow up their 2014 performance with another flame out. They’re boring, and Ramos might be the tournament’s biggest villain.

4. Iran

KNOWN FOR: Being an oppressive theocracy

FUN SOCCER MAN: Sardar Azmoun

PREDICTION: Iran’s star player, Azmoun, plays his club soccer in Russia, and kind looks like if Elvis were a Beatle. Unfortunately for Iran, the team will not be playing in Nikes this tournament because of U.S. sanctions.

Group C

1. France

KNOWN FOR: Freedom Fries

FUN SOCCER MAN: Antoine Griezmann

PREDICTION: France has some of the best players in the world, and will for the next couple World Cups. I had serious trouble picking just one fun soccer man, with the likes of Paul Pogba and Kylian Mbappé also on the squad. This team will be one of the favorites.

2. Denmark

KNOWN FOR: The Little Mermaid

FUN SOCCER MAN: Christian Eriksen

PREDICTION: I was a little disappointed to learn that there are no actual Great Danes on Denmark’s roster. That could hurt them, but I think they will be alright as long as Christian Eriksen is a very good boy.

3. Peru

KNOWN FOR: Emperor Kuzco

FUN SOCCER MAN: Paolo Guerrero

PREDICTION: Peru made the World Cup for the first time in 36 years. They be knocked out in far less time.

4. Australia

KNOW FOR: Shrimp on the barbie

FUN SOCCER MAN: Tim Cahill

PREDICTION: Tim Cahill is 38 years old, and doesn’t even play on a top-flight team anymore. That should tell you everything you need to know about Australia’s chances.

Group D

1. Nigeria

KNOWN FOR: E-mail scams

FUN SOCCER MAN: John Obi Mikel

PREDICTION: Look at those kits. Nigeria might just win the whole thing in those bad boys. I told Joe to buy me one while he’s in Africa.

2. Iceland

KNOWN FOR: Synchronized clapping

FUN SOCCER MAN: Gylfi Sigurðsson

PREDICTION: The Icelandic roster is just a minefield of names I can’t pronounce. Luckily, they make up for that with a neat little slow clap that’s accessible for anyone, regardless of rhythm.

3. Argentina

KNOWN FOR: Being a safe haven for Nazis

FUN SOCCER MAN: Lionel Messi

PREDICTION: As much as I would revel in Spain’s failure, the story of Argentina is a little more depressing. Lionel Messi, one of the greatest players the sport has ever seen, has been unfairly painted as a failure on the world stage. He even contemplated hanging up the boots before this tournament. I don’t feel good about it, but I see an early exit.

4. Croatia

KNOWN FOR: Looking like picnic tables

FUN SOCCER MAN: Luka Modrić

PREDICTION: It seems like Croatia has been a dark horse for about a decade, but their window might finally be closing. They have world-class talent, but Group D might be too strong.

Group E

1. Brazil

KNOWN FOR: Carnival, Favelas

FUN SOCCER MAN: Neymar

PREDICTION: It will surprise no one that Brazil is one of the favorites in the World Cup. They will be looking to overcome the devastating 7-1 defeat at home in 2014. I think they will be just fine.

2. Costa Rica

KNOWN FOR: Being that place everyone you know has taken a vacation to

FUN SOCCER MAN: Keylor Navas

PREDICTION: Costa Rica was a fun surprise in 2014, and I think they can keep that momentum going. Plus, I can always respect a team whose best player is the goalkeeper.

3. Switzerland

KNOWN FOR: Chocolate, Nazi gold

FUN SOCCER MAN: Xherdan Shaqiri

PREDICTION: A lot of Switzerland’s hopes rest on the shoulders of Xherdan Shaqiri. He is more than a capable player, but he might not be enough to overcome the rest of the group.

4. Serbia

KNOWN FOR: Basketball

FUN SOCCER MAN: Sergej Milinković-Savić

PREDICTION: I know almost nothing about Serbia. I’m sure it is a lovely place.

GROUP F

1. Germany

KNOWN FOR: That time they tried to take over the world

FUN SOCCER MAN: Mesut Özil

PREDICTION: The defending champions were rewarded with the most entertaining group in the World Cup. All four teams can score almost at will. Not that Germany will have any trouble, they are primed and ready to win the whole thing.

2. Sweden

KNOWN FOR: Tall blondes, House music

FUN SOCCER MAN: Emil Forsberg

PREDICTION: Sweden will be participating in the World Cup without the man who has become synonymous with soccer in the country. Luckily for the Swedes, our lord and savior Zlatan Ibrahimovic will be is Russia to watch them play. They will advance out of the group if they can channel his divine inspiration.

3. South Korea

KNOWN FOR: Being the good Korea

FUN SOCCER MAN: Son Heung-min

PREDICTION: Son Heung-min is a legitimate superstar, and one of the reasons I like tuning in to Tottenham Hotspur matches. Unfortunately, the rest of South Korea’s roster doesn’t quite seem up to snuff.

4. Mexico

KNOWN FOR: Drug cartels

FUN SOCCER MAN: Héctor Herrera

PREDICTION: Mexico has a reputation as one of the world’s premier soccer nations, but their World Cup results of late have not met expectations. The squad Mexico is fielding now doesn’t have the kind of awe-inspiring star power to suggest they are any kind of threat in 2018.

Group G

1. England

KNOWN FOR: Bad teeth, Stilted emotions

FUN SOCCER MAN: Harry Kane

PREDICTION: Perennial disappointment England is trying to regain the form that won them a World Cup in 1966. This is the best roster they’ve had in a while, with Harry Kane coming into the tournament in stellar form. And, why not, I’ll say they knock out Brazil in penalties.

2. Belgium

KNOWN FOR: Bruges

FUN SOCCER MAN: Eden Hazard

PREDICTION: This may be Belgium’s last chance to be this good, so it will be paramount that they take advantage of it. Eden Hazard and absolute unit Romelu Lukaku form a formidable striker tandem. It will be fun to watch them go to work.

3. PANAMA

KNOWN FOR: A canal

FUN SOCCER MAN: Román Torres

PREDICTION: A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal – Panama!

4. Tunisia

KNOWN FOR: Making me Google Tunisia

FUN SOCCER MAN: Wahbi Khazri

PREDICTION: After losing Youssef Msakni to a knee injury, Tunisia is going to have to dig deep to not lose every game they play in Russia. I’d wish them luck, but it won’t help.

Group H

1. Colombia

KNOWN FOR: Cocaine

FUN SOCCER MAN: James Rodríguez

PREDICTION: James Rodríguez was the breakout star of the 2014 World Cup, parlaying that success into contracts with Real Madrid and Bayern Munich. Now, James returns to the world stage, ready to lead Colombia to first in their group.

2. Senegal

KNOWN FOR: Al Roker’s ancestral roots

FUN SOCCER MAN: Sadio Mané

PREDICTION: Sadio Mane is coming off his best season as a part of Liverpool’s three-pronged attack. With his big game experience, Senegal should be one of four African nations to make it out of the group stage.

3. Japan

KNOWN FOR: Daisuke Matsuzaka

FUN SOCCER MAN: Keisuke Honda

PREDICTION: Besides Keisuke Honda and Shinji Kagawa, this team does nothing for me. I don’t expect Japan to make it out of the group stage.

4. Poland

KNOWN FOR: Jokes about Poland

FUN SOCCER MAN: Robert Lewandowski

PREDICTION: Simply put, Robert Lewandowski has to carry his countrymen through the World Cup. The only question left is, “How many goals can he score?”

The Bracket

1. Germany

2. Uruguay

3. England

“It’s football, reimagined.”

Professional wrestling promoter and very stable genius Vince McMahon announced today that he planned on bringing the XFL back in 2020.

For anyone unfamiliar, the original XFL was a spring football league that lasted one season in 2001.

Riding a wave of popularity from the WWF’s Attitude Era, McMahon and NBC thought they could bring that same attitude to football.

The XFL was promoted as a more violent and in-your-face brand of football.

For the most part, it was bad. Like, Tommy-Maddox-is-your-best-player bad.

Aside from the quality of football, there were some positives. The XFL popularized the skycam, and contributed to the legend of Rod Smart.

So now Vince, in his infinite wisdom, has decided to bring back the XFL. But will this league bring back the same attitude as it’s predecessor?

No, as McMahon explains in this uninformative conference call.

I recommend you take the time to watch the whole thing, especially so you can hear McMahon call Darren Rovell, “Dan.”

The gist of this announcement seems to point towards the XFL appealing to the fed-up, #MAGA crowd.

• Players will be required to stand for the National Anthem, in an effort to de-politicize football.
• Players with a criminal record will not be signed.
• Rules will be simpler, which until we know what that means, doesn’t mean much. The informative XFL rap suggests there will be less penalties.
• Games will be quicker, which is genuinely appealing. McMahon says he wants to shoot for 2-hour games and eliminate halftime.

Much like the original XFL, I think this league will bring some interesting innovation to the sport, but some of the language scares me.

I don’t necessarily think you need to be “fed-up” with the NFL to enjoy a new and different league. You won’t find me complaining about having more sports to watch.

So until we know more, I’m not entirely sure what to make of the XFL.

2020 can’t come soon enough.

Fandom is a tricky thing.

I’ve toyed with the idea that it might not even be all that beneficial on this blog before.

Fandom can make you angry at people you genuinely like, just because you’ve arbitrarily tied your emotions to a different team than they have. Or, in this case, the same team.

You see, I’m a New England Patriots fan, and I can tell you right now that this fanbase is toxic.

It’s true that all fandoms have a rogue element, but it feels like ever since “Deflategate” became a part of the public lexicon, Patriots fans have taken it upon themselves to be extra insufferable.

We’re talking about people who actually embraced mantras like, “They hate us ’cause they ain’t us.”

Watch that scene. You’re not supposed to like James Franco, he’s a bad person. Any rational human being would empathize with Seth Rogan, who has to deal with this idiot.

That’s what being a Patriots fan is like, and this offseason made it even worse.

I’m sure you know by now, but the Patriots overcame a 28-3 deficit to win the Super Bowl last season. Instantly, 28-3 became the premier sports meme, and Patriots fans made sure to incessantly remind the people of Atlanta how badly their team choked.

I know people don’t usually say this outside of the Environmental Protection Agency, but have we not learned from Cleveland? Did we all just forget what happened at the end of that summer of 3-1 jokes?

The Patriots even had the scoreboard read 28-3 during the pregame ceremonies tonight!

And speaking of opening ceremonies, we were treated with an intro by Mark Wahlberg, Boston’s favorite former racist teenage cokehead and current Super Bowl-leaver.

I’m sure Marky Mark’s a lovely guy now, but there’s a certain demographic that reeeeeally likes Mark Wahlberg, and I am not a part of that group.

I think my biggest issue with the current state of Boston sports culture, though, is the media empire it has birthed.

Barstool Sports is a website (mostly) about sports that embraces all of the worst aspects of sports fandom. It combines frat-bro culture with the ignorance of a, well, young Mark Wahlberg.

The founder of this website is a Patriots fan and someone I have no interest in ever meeting.

In that video, Mr. Portnoy mentions an ongoing feud between Patriots fans and NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Now, a sane person would tell you that those issues were resolved when the Patriots won the Super Bowl last season. Unfortunately, the world doesn’t work that way.

Mr. Portnoy and his band of numbskulls decided to hand out towels chastising the (in his own way, also terrible) commissioner. It’s like they were begging to lose this game.

I just wonder when Patriots fans stopped believing their own bullshit.

Wasn’t this the team that was so successful because of “The Patriot Way” and other platitudes? What happened to “Do your job?” Shouldn’t the team be “avoiding distractions?”

Objectively, this was poetic justice. Pride cometh before the fall, and all that stuff.

I just hope that maybe we can all calm down before Week 2.