The Playa Hater’s Super Bowl preview
Hello, sports fans! Welcome to the only Super Bowl preview you’ll need to read today.
Last year, I correctly predicted a Seahawk victory, and everything I said would happen happened. I didn’t actually go back and check, but I’m pretty sure I was right. I wouldn’t lie to you.
This season, Seattle returns to the big game to face my beloved Patriots. Now, I know what you’re thinking. It would be incredibly easy for me to just say “LOLPATSWIN 34-17” and leave it at that. But I’m a serious out-of-work blogger, so I am going to be as impartial as possible.
Now let’s get to the game.
1st Quarter
The game will start simply enough. The Patriots receive the kickoff, and start a 5-minute drive down the field. Stephen Gostkowski caps it off with a 38-yard field goal, and the nation shrugs.
Seattle answers by grinding out a 6-minute drive of their own. Robert Turbin ends it by pounding in a 1-yard score. I predicted a Robert Turbin touchdown last year, and I will not rest until he scores in the Super Bowl.
Both teams trade punts until the end of the quarter.
Patriots 3, Sahawks 7
2nd Quarter
The Seahawks’ second drive will actually leak into this quarter before they punt, but that is neither here nor there.
New England takes that punt and puts together its best drive of the night so far. On 1st-and-goal, Brady fires a 9-yard strike to James Develin. The Patriots take the lead, and I pump my fist wildly.
Two more punts, and that’ll take us to halftime. You should have taken the under.
Patriots 10, Seahawks 7
Halftime
It’s a good show. Juicy J makes a surprise appearance.
3rd Quarter
Pete Carroll must be one hell of a motivator, because Seattle comes out of the half looking like world-beaters. Marshawn Lynch scores form 14 yards out. I like to think that he turns to wherever Roger Goodell is sitting and grabs his crotch.
I mean, Lynch grabs his own crotch, not Roger’s.
The Patriots respond right away and drive down to the 1-yard line. Belichick looks at his menagerie of running backs and calls a time out. After a commercial break and a sideline rock-paper-scissors tournament, James White puts the Pats back on top. Jonas Gray and Brandon Bolden look on with tears in their eyes.
Not to be outdone, the Seahawks close out the quarter with another touchdown drive. Russell Wilson finds Jermaine Kearse for the 4-yard touchdown. Things are getting good down the stretch.
Patriots 17, Seahawks 21
4th Quarter
The 4th quarter of this game starts out with a bang. Brady, flustered, tries a deep shot to Brandon LaFell. Earl Thomas comes down with the ball, and I throw my hands up in frustration.
Steven Hauschka immediately returns the favor by shanking a 50-yard field goal.
On New England’s ensuing drive, they find themselves facing a 4th-and-1 at Seattle’s 21. Belichick rolls the dice and James White gets stuffed. The Seahawks take over up four with 11 minutes left.
Carroll gives Hauschka a chance to redeem himself and put Seattle up a touchdown with a 36-yard attempt. From out of nowhere, Malcolm Butler comes flying in and blocks the attempt!
A Stephen Gostkowski field goal pulls New England within one with five minutes remaining.
After three nail-biting 3-and-outs, we get to the 2-minute warning with the ball in Brady’s hands at the 50-yard line. The Patriots have no time outs remaining. There’s a quick out to Edelman, followed by a long catch and scamper by the former Kent State quarterback.
A Shane Vereen run and Brady kneel exhaust Seattle’s time outs. The NFL season will come down to a 32-yard field goal. Gostkowski strokes it through as time expires.
Patriots 23, Seahawks 21
Patriots win! And the Aaron Hernandez trial continues on Monday.
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